They never tell you about stress and the effects of it. For me it was hair loss and depression. I have found that I can not deal well with stress. After the death of Tammy I lost all my hair. I mean all my hair, from my head to my toes. It was a very sad time for me in every way possible. Then after Tammy’s death, I begun having issues at work. Thinking I was doing a good job when I was really doing a shitty one. It really hurt me to find this out. I had no one left that would understand me and let me just lose it, without judgment. I found that I was crying all the time, especially if I had to go to work. It was difficult for me. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. The issues had triggered it, and I was off work again.
During this time I spent a lot of my time in my bedroom. It was horrible. My younger sister, who I lived with, would call me downstairs. She tried to get me out of my room. I drove her crazy because I just did not want to be around anyone. The kids would come over to try and cheer me up, it just did not work. I just did not care anymore. I had to wear a wig, fake eyelashes, put on eye brows, it was really depressing. My nieces were amazing. They would do my make up and do my eyebrows. They encouraged me to get out of the house.
I would go shopping, which seemed to make me feel better for awhile but then the feeling went away. Then I had to deal with the financial costs of the shopping. It was just a really bad roller coaster ride. One minute you are high. Next, you are at an extreme low. Nothing seemed to consistently make you feel better. When I hit the lows it was almost unbearable. I would just sit in my room and work in my bible. I would listen to the bible to find the answers to the questions that I had. “Why is this happening, again?”, “Didn’t I suffer enough in my life?”, “What do I need to do to take this feeling away?”.
The bible studies continued for months, I listened to the bible three times. Each time was 75 hrs. I did attend church bible studies, to help me understand what I was going through. I learned that I had to be strong and courageous. I had to carry on no matter the situation. I also had to believe God has a plan. I attended the bible study once a week for three months. At least it got me out of the house. I took my niece to the bible studies to grade five class. She enjoyed it very much. I thought that after the bible study was done I would be all better but I wasn’t.
During one of the studies I had an epiphany, I was enabling my younger sister to be a alcoholic. I thought that I was putting healthy boundaries but that was not true. I was causing a lot of the problems myself. Now that I realized I was doing this to myself, what was the next step. What do I do now? I was not educated for this. I did not know how to make it not affect me as much as it did. How did I let it get this far? It all goes back to my childhood.
Growing up we just accepted the situation as it was. Our mother was a alcoholic, and drug addict. Us children did not have a say in the situation, it all centered around our mother. We made sure that the young ones were looked after, and that we had what we needed. We did not have everything we needed. We often lacked food and clean clothing. Most of all, we lacked emotional support.
Going to bed hungry was easy. Going to bed with a bruised bum was also easy. However, knowing that our pain brought her so much pleasure was the worst of all. I would lay in bed thinking that I was adopted because I was so different than her. I would just want out of there so badly. I wanted out so bad that I reported the abuse to my teacher, who called the authories and took us away. I remember that day so clearly because I was so happy not to be going home. I was running up the stairs, saying I’m not going home. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
Now that I am older, I thought that I had made peace with all my trauma. However, today I am suffering from trauma-induced depression. When I was diagnosed with this I cried and wondered why? I just want my past to go away, not show its ugly head all the time. The psychiatrist could not answer how long it would take to deal with the trauma. It scares me that it will be months as there is so much to go through. If you read the blog you understand why.
They say that it could take one or more sessions of EMDR to deal with only one trauma. How is it going to be having to deal with several traumas’. How will this all work? I just hope that it works well for me and I will be happy again. Not that I know what that feels like… As I have not been happy for a long time, I have forgotten what it feels like.
All the therapist say that you need to break the cycle. I am not sure if anyone of them have had the trauma that the clients have experienced. Then ask them to break the cycle. I realize today it is so much easier to follow the same route as I lived as a child. It is predictable, I know how to handle the dysfunction. I understand why my younger sister lives the life she lives. Now it is how do I keep the cycle broken. I have broken the cycle. I am the 25% that does not have an addiction issue. I suffer so much for breaking the cycle.
Am I coping with the trauma, I am not sure. It kicks me in the ass all the time. My hair is finally coming back after three years. I thought that I would be stable enough to continue working, but it is not the case. This trauma has affected my work, in a indirect way. It caused me to have depression, which causes you not to be able to function clearly. I have to be off work. I am not healthy to practice right now. My mental state is fragile. I just have my past to blame for it.
I will continue with the posts as I deal with this trauma. I will persist as the 25% of my family. I need to stay strong and be courageous to deal with these issues. I need to show the next generation that it is possible to live a life without having an addiction. It is a difficult job to bear but one well worth it. Just like Joshua in the bible he had to believe and had to strong and courageous.
25% Percent 