Tyra:

During the time in the apartment in Edmonton and only being 51/2 or 6 there are very few happy moments that I remember. There was a time I remember when Tammy took us all outside and sat us on a blanket and tried playing the guitar. We did not care that she was not in tune it was just a fun time when we all were singing and watching her try and play for us. I treasure those times.

Our mom had a bad temper, and you knew you were in trouble with one look. Her big brown eyes would have fire in them if you did not listen or do what she had wanted you to do. I spent a lot of my time with my baby brother. This one day I was playing with Trevor in the bedroom and I put him on the bed and was rearranging the room. Moving the beds around so the looked different and Trevor was on one of them. Was he in danger NO he was having fun. The next thing I knew our mom came in the room and was very angry that I had moved the bed, I tried to explain that I wanted it to look different but the explanation was not good enough. All I remember after that is that she hit me so hard that I flew and hit the wall. The funny thing is I do not remember crying at all, I think I was in shock. Today looking back, how is this showing love to your child? A hour or so later I remember my mom coming back in the room and apologizing for the incident, of course I would accept the apology but down deep I was so hurt it did not matter what came out of her mouth I would not forgive her for that.

During the same time I remember being in a cop car and taken away from our mom yet again. I did not know about the first time as I was really young but this time I remember. The reason why were taken away was because our mother decided to go on a bender, drinking spree, and did not come home for 2 days. Us children were really young, Tammy 81/2, Me 6, Tanya 3, and Trevor was a toddler. I do not remember Tammy being with us at this time so our mom left me in charge of the two youngest. Thinking today “who does this?” Well I guess our mom thought it was quite alright. Someone found out and called social services and took us away.

We were placed in this receiving home that was large for children like us. I remember going outside and playing with the other children and that teachers would be supervising. This one teacher was tall and always wore this electric blue mascara. I remember this clear as day. I would always go to her during the outside time. At night time it was scary as there were several children that slept in the same area. This one night in the dark Tanya came and crawled into bed with me. I asked her what was wrong and she said “this little boy kept trying to get in bed with her”. So of course I let her sleep with me, I do believe this is when I started becoming the protector for the young. With Trevor just being a toddler he was in another part of the building, we had to ask for permission to go and see him. The workers would take us to him and we would watch him sleep. I don’t remember playing with him at this time just Tanya, no Tammy either. I could only imagine how abandoned I felt during this time. My foster mom stated to me that I told the social worker that I had a family that loved me and wanted me and to send me back there. This did not happen, no matter how hard I pleaded with them. I knew my foster family would take all of us and would love and care for us, and not put us in dangerous situations. Going back to our mom I do not recall, but I could guess it was bitter sweet.

There was always a short honeymoon period with our mother. She would be all nice and then out of no were, the real mom would return, and the cycle would start all over again.

Tyra:

During the time in the apartment in Edmonton and only being 51/2 or 6 there are very few happy moments that I remember. There was a time I remember when Tammy took us all outside and sat us on a blanket and tried playing the guitar. We did not care that she was not in tune it was just a fun time when we all were singing and watching her try and play for us. I treasure those times.

Our mom had a bad temper, and you knew you were in trouble with one look. Her big brown eyes would have fire in them if you did not listen or do what she had wanted you to do. I spent a lot of my time with my baby brother. This one day I was playing with Trevor in the bedroom and I put him on the bed and was rearranging the room. Moving the beds around so the looked different and Trevor was on one of them. Was he in danger NO he was having fun. The next thing I knew our mom came in the room and was very angry that I had moved the bed, I tried to explain that I wanted it to look different but the explanation was not good enough. All I remember after that is that she hit me so hard that I flew and hit the wall. The funny thing is I do not remember crying at all, I think I was in shock. Today looking back, how is this showing love to your child? A hour or so later I remember my mom coming back in the room and apologizing for the incident, of course I would accept the apology but down deep I was so hurt it did not matter what came out of her mouth I would not forgive her for that.

During the same time I remember being in a cop car and taken away from our mom yet again. I did not know about the first time as I was really young but this time I remember. The reason why were taken away was because our mother decided to go on a bender, drinking spree, and did not come home for 2 days. Us children were really young, Tammy 81/2, Me 6, Tanya 3, and Trevor was a toddler. I do not remember Tammy being with us at this time so our mom left me in charge of the two youngest. Thinking today “who does this?” Well I guess our mom thought it was quite alright. Someone found out and called social services and took us away.

We were placed in this receiving home that was large for children like us. I remember going outside and playing with the other children and that teachers would be supervising. This one teacher was tall and always wore this electric blue mascara. I remember this clear as day. I would always go to her during the outside time. At night time it was scary as there were several children that slept in the same area. This one night in the dark Tanya came and crawled into bed with me. I asked her what was wrong and she said “this little boy kept trying to get in bed with her”. So of course I let her sleep with me, I do believe this is when I started becoming the protector for the young. With Trevor just being a toddler he was in another part of the building, we had to ask for permission to go and see him. The workers would take us to him and we would watch him sleep. I don’t remember playing with him at this time just Tanya, no Tammy either. I could only imagine how abandoned I felt during this time. My foster mom stated to me that I told the social worker that I had a family that loved me and wanted me and to send me back there. This did not happen, no matter how hard I pleaded with them. I knew my foster family would take all of us and would love and care for us, and not put us in dangerous situations. Going back to our mom I do not recall, but I could guess it was bitter sweet.

There was always a short honeymoon period with our mother. She would be all nice and then out of no were, the real mom would return, and the cycle would start all over again.

Tammy:

Edmonton, the place of my birth, full circle yet again. It is odd to me, but I recall the summer and spring months the most vividly. Perhaps that is because that seemed to be when the most sexual abuse happened. Perhaps it is because in the winter months my mother went into hibernation so to speak. You have to realize that due to her pill use she slept an exorbitant amount of hours in any 24 hour cycle. I am talking any were from 12 hours, to 16, or 18 hours. There were times she did not even bother to get up, Why should she, her eight year old daughter was doing the tasks meant for a mother.

I would vacuum, do the dishes and put in the laundry. Does this seem impossible? No, it is not, it wasn’t right for me to be put in this position, but there are thousands of children put in positions of being surrogate parents to their siblings. I remember watching a sesame street show and it showed how to make banok, over a camp fire. I learned how to make it in the oven, and it became the children’s and my main staple over the years when food was scarce. Which was more often, than not.

Mom always seemed to make sure we had lard, baking powder, flour, macaroni, in the cupboard. Those were the things I could make easily. Thinking back it horrifies me to think of how easily I could have scalded myself! Surely God’s hand guided mine during those years!! Thank you Thank you Dear Lord for your Mercy! Mom was rarely seen, unless she was drinking, or on a rampage. Neither was a good thing. Sleep was her escape though, and she was to pass this coping behaviour on to me.

Tyra loved my banok, it was baked Banok not fried I did not know how to fry it,perhaps a blessing! I tried my very best to care for them and myself but it was so difficult, I was not a mother, nor would I ever be. I do cherish these memories though, as they were as close to motherhood that I would ever attain.

I would always clean up after my mothers parties, putting all the empties back in their box or the bottles under the sink. Emptying all the over full ashtrays, and soaking them to get them sparking again. Washing all the glass wear and any other cutlery and plates that may have been used. I would empty the Garbage in the big bin just outside of our bottom floor apartment. I would wipe down all the spilled liquor of the furniture, tables and floor. I would wash the kitchen floor. Lastly I would vacuum, since it was so loud I didn’t want to wake the children unnecessarily. They were still so young so needed their sleep. I did not feel, behave, or talk like a child. I was a precocious child. However, this is reasonable, in light of how I was being, treated, or should I say mistreated

If and when my mother got up there would be no sign of the mayhem she and her buddies caused during the night. You know some how, I knew even then that I was saving my mother from being shamed. Maybe because I was ashamed of the state of our home when I woke up after she had a party. I think I was trying to protect her by cleaning up her mess before she had to see it. I also, desperately wanted her approval..I never did receive it, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted her to love me and tell me she loved me, so I would try even harder. I would buy her little presents, and candy with money that was given to me. I would buy her orange crush when she was hung over.

It eventually got to the point were she would even send me with her money to pick up her prescription drugs and smokes. At that time a child could buy their parents smokes if they had a note. I even started grocery shopping, she would make a list, put the money in my pocket and off I would go. If I had trouble with the note I would ask for help. I do believe the pharmacist knew something was wrong because he would always let me pick a candy, like a chocolate bar or something. I always picked the gum. That dam gum caused us girls so much trouble when we would fall asleep with it in our mouths. It would get all over our hair! That didn’t stop me from picking the gum. or sharing it though hehe. By the way peanut butter will remove gum from hair, I learned that fast.

I was a quick learner, so I was reading way beyond what was normal for a child. the only books we had were the books mom read. I read Valley of the Dolls and the Happy hooker before the age of ten. Also, harlequin romance novels, she had box’s of those. I would read one or two books a night, it became my escape, I loved it!!! I remember reading those books hoping for a love like that when I grew up. I also got my hand on a copy of little women, I think Jo was my favourite.

However this proclivity for reading and comprehending what I was reading would not help me in school. Having been diagnosed with complicated PTSD as an adult, I am sure that I was already suffering from PTSD as a child.

My Mother met these people, I will refrain from using their names for various reasons. The most forefront for me though is to protect the family of the man who abused me. it was no fault of theirs, and I hold no ill will to them at all. in fact quite the opposite I sympathize with them. I am not sure if they were new acquaintances or old friends. I was only eight so I was not privy to my Mothers circle, just when it met some need she had would I be paraded before her friends.

As my sister told before about falling out of a tree , well that did not stop her from climbing trees lol. She loved to climb trees! these people had a small fenced in back yard, with a High white fence. There was a big gnarled tree in the corner of the yard, it practically took up the whole space of the yard, the yard being so small. I remember chairs and other things out in the back too but not clear enough to describe.

The man that was going to harm me at a later time, came out in the back yard with me and my sister. I was watching Tyra like a hawk, I could not keep her from climbing, but I certainly would try to save her if she fell! I recall this man picking up a long thin stick and poking it towards my sister. He said” up the poop shoot.” while poking it towards her bum. I do not know what the look was on my face but, when he looked at me he stopped and turned his attention towards me. I told my little sister “come now, into the house.” she had no idea what just transpired, but something in my voice must have warned her we were in danger because this little girl with a mind of her own, climbed down, and followed with out complaint. I did tell my mother what happened and she shushed me and told me to be quiet and not spread tales.

We left and went home as normal. However a few days later a man I did not know and the man that hurt me showed up at my moms apartment. she looked so happy to see them. That Man I didn’t know, but came to know later on, I owe a debt of gratitude for saving me. I will never forget him or the feeling of validation I received that night.

There was an amazing indoor swimming pool in our complex of apartments,, and what a joy when mom would take us swimming. I do not think it was the swimming so much , but just spending quality “normal” time with her. After the day was coming to a close we headed back to the house and the two men were well into their cups. Meaning there were quite intoxicated. Mom sent us girls to bed, and joined the men in he drinking.

Trigger. Warning, sexual abuse incident coming up next, please take care.

What a joyous day I had! I was so played out I fell into my bed in my wet swimsuit and a smile on my face. It was Dark, and very quiet, what woke me! Why is my bathing suit pulled down? A sharp pain, I remember that pain!! What was happening! I laid stiff, unable to breath, hoping that it would stop and the man behind me would go away. I could hear him breathing I was so upset! Why! Why again why! I took a chance and disobeyed my mother by crying out for help! I was disobeying her by making a scene, we were not supposed to cause a scene!

I really did not expect her to come, and I was right she didn’t the other man with the kind eyes and raven black hair came! I recall his literally hauling that awful man out of my bed by the scruff, I followed, and seen the Raven haired man start beating on the abusive man, while my mom screamed at him to stop!! I recall that man yelling at my mom “Call the police, or I will kill this bastard!” I remember him saying that as clear as if I was standing right there right now. I remember your name my hero , and I pray life was good to you. You were the only one who ever tried to save me.

My mother Glared at me, she had the most frightening look, when people talk about their mothers look, they never seen my mothers insane look. I really do believe she had to have been some what insane to do what she did, with no remorse shown. She said to me to “go to bed…Now!”Now I think back on it what mother does that?! Her child has just been sexually abused and you simply send her back to bed?! I have a hard time wrapping my adult brain around that!

The police were called and the man was charged. My mom could not hide the fact that her child was harmed, because there was a witness, albeit, a very angry witness to the crime.I remember the nice police Lady gently waking me up. She had on her uniform and her hair was done up in a style like a bun of some sort. She had golden blonde hair, and smooth pale skin. The funny thing I can not remember the color of her eyes. perhaps, I was to scared and ashamed to meet her eyes. However, I do remember glancing into them and they were so kind. it seems to me they were like a pale blue. However, I can not be positive, it just seems that is what my memory is showing me.

This did go to the courts, and the man was charged with sexual abuse of a child, among other things. He was institutionalize, and according to my mother underwent shock therapy treatment. I do not know if my mom told me this to make me feel bad about calling out for help or to make me feel bad for the man. Either way it did make me feel bad, and made me wish I had not called out….

For those on this Journey with my sister and I. We commend you for your courage, this is by no means an easy journey. However, I want to assure you that I am a happy Adult, I love people although I can only be around close friends and do not do well with strangers. I struggle, but I live and am content to continue this journey with you all my new friends. Your, sharing time with me is healing, and I thank you for that.

“A child’s voice that goes unheard is a tragedy; A child’s voice heard but unheeded is a travesty… ” 2019 Tammy: LOVE to You all =)

Tammy, holding youngest sister and Tyra standing next to Tammy.

Tammy:

Edmonton, the place of my birth, full circle yet again. It is odd to me, but I recall the summer and spring months the most vividly. Perhaps that is because that seemed to be when the most sexual abuse happened. Perhaps it is because in the winter months my mother went into hibernation so to speak. You have to realize that due to her pill use she slept an exorbitant amount of hours in any 24 hour cycle. I am talking any were from 12 hours, to 16, or 18 hours. There were times she did not even bother to get up, Why should she, her eight year old daughter was doing the tasks meant for a mother.

I would vacuum, do the dishes and put in the laundry. Does this seem impossible? No, it is not, it wasn’t right for me to be put in this position, but there are thousands of children put in positions of being surrogate parents to their siblings. I remember watching a sesame street show and it showed how to make banok, over a camp fire. I learned how to make it in the oven, and it became the children’s and my main staple over the years when food was scarce. Which was more often, than not.

Mom always seemed to make sure we had lard, baking powder, flour, macaroni, in the cupboard. Those were the things I could make easily. Thinking back it horrifies me to think of how easily I could have scalded myself! Surely God’s hand guided mine during those years!! Thank you Thank you Dear Lord for your Mercy! Mom was rarely seen, unless she was drinking, or on a rampage. Neither was a good thing. Sleep was her escape though, and she was to pass this coping behaviour on to me.

Tyra loved my banok, it was baked Banok not fried I did not know how to fry it,perhaps a blessing! I tried my very best to care for them and myself but it was so difficult, I was not a mother, nor would I ever be. I do cherish these memories though, as they were as close to motherhood that I would ever attain.

I would always clean up after my mothers parties, putting all the empties back in their box or the bottles under the sink. Emptying all the over full ashtrays, and soaking them to get them sparking again. Washing all the glass wear and any other cutlery and plates that may have been used. I would empty the Garbage in the big bin just outside of our bottom floor apartment. I would wipe down all the spilled liquor of the furniture, tables and floor. I would wash the kitchen floor. Lastly I would vacuum, since it was so loud I didn’t want to wake the children unnecessarily. They were still so young so needed their sleep. I did not feel, behave, or talk like a child. I was a precocious child. However, this is reasonable, in light of how I was being, treated, or should I say mistreated

If and when my mother got up there would be no sign of the mayhem she and her buddies caused during the night. You know some how, I knew even then that I was saving my mother from being shamed. Maybe because I was ashamed of the state of our home when I woke up after she had a party. I think I was trying to protect her by cleaning up her mess before she had to see it. I also, desperately wanted her approval..I never did receive it, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted her to love me and tell me she loved me, so I would try even harder. I would buy her little presents, and candy with money that was given to me. I would buy her orange crush when she was hung over.

It eventually got to the point were she would even send me with her money to pick up her prescription drugs and smokes. At that time a child could buy their parents smokes if they had a note. I even started grocery shopping, she would make a list, put the money in my pocket and off I would go. If I had trouble with the note I would ask for help. I do believe the pharmacist knew something was wrong because he would always let me pick a candy, like a chocolate bar or something. I always picked the gum. That dam gum caused us girls so much trouble when we would fall asleep with it in our mouths. It would get all over our hair! That didn’t stop me from picking the gum. or sharing it though hehe. By the way peanut butter will remove gum from hair, I learned that fast.

I was a quick learner, so I was reading way beyond what was normal for a child. the only books we had were the books mom read. I read Valley of the Dolls and the Happy hooker before the age of ten. Also, harlequin romance novels, she had box’s of those. I would read one or two books a night, it became my escape, I loved it!!! I remember reading those books hoping for a love like that when I grew up. I also got my hand on a copy of little women, I think Jo was my favourite.

However this proclivity for reading and comprehending what I was reading would not help me in school. Having been diagnosed with complicated PTSD as an adult, I am sure that I was already suffering from PTSD as a child.

My Mother met these people, I will refrain from using their names for various reasons. The most forefront for me though is to protect the family of the man who abused me. it was no fault of theirs, and I hold no ill will to them at all. in fact quite the opposite I sympathize with them. I am not sure if they were new acquaintances or old friends. I was only eight so I was not privy to my Mothers circle, just when it met some need she had would I be paraded before her friends.

As my sister told before about falling out of a tree , well that did not stop her from climbing trees lol. She loved to climb trees! these people had a small fenced in back yard, with a High white fence. There was a big gnarled tree in the corner of the yard, it practically took up the whole space of the yard, the yard being so small. I remember chairs and other things out in the back too but not clear enough to describe.

The man that was going to harm me at a later time, came out in the back yard with me and my sister. I was watching Tyra like a hawk, I could not keep her from climbing, but I certainly would try to save her if she fell! I recall this man picking up a long thin stick and poking it towards my sister. He said” up the poop shoot.” while poking it towards her bum. I do not know what the look was on my face but, when he looked at me he stopped and turned his attention towards me. I told my little sister “come now, into the house.” she had no idea what just transpired, but something in my voice must have warned her we were in danger because this little girl with a mind of her own, climbed down, and followed with out complaint. I did tell my mother what happened and she shushed me and told me to be quiet and not spread tales.

We left and went home as normal. However a few days later a man I did not know and the man that hurt me showed up at my moms apartment. she looked so happy to see them. That Man I didn’t know, but came to know later on, I owe a debt of gratitude for saving me. I will never forget him or the feeling of validation I received that night.

There was an amazing indoor swimming pool in our complex of apartments,, and what a joy when mom would take us swimming. I do not think it was the swimming so much , but just spending quality “normal” time with her. After the day was coming to a close we headed back to the house and the two men were well into their cups. Meaning there were quite intoxicated. Mom sent us girls to bed, and joined the men in he drinking.

Trigger. Warning, sexual abuse incident coming up next, please take care.

What a joyous day I had! I was so played out I fell into my bed in my wet swimsuit and a smile on my face. It was Dark, and very quiet, what woke me! Why is my bathing suit pulled down? A sharp pain, I remember that pain!! What was happening! I laid stiff, unable to breath, hoping that it would stop and the man behind me would go away. I could hear him breathing I was so upset! Why! Why again why! I took a chance and disobeyed my mother by crying out for help! I was disobeying her by making a scene, we were not supposed to cause a scene!

I really did not expect her to come, and I was right she didn’t the other man with the kind eyes and raven black hair came! I recall his literally hauling that awful man out of my bed by the scruff, I followed, and seen the Raven haired man start beating on the abusive man, while my mom screamed at him to stop!! I recall that man yelling at my mom “Call the police, or I will kill this bastard!” I remember him saying that as clear as if I was standing right there right now. I remember your name my hero , and I pray life was good to you. You were the only one who ever tried to save me.

My mother Glared at me, she had the most frightening look, when people talk about their mothers look, they never seen my mothers insane look. I really do believe she had to have been some what insane to do what she did, with no remorse shown. She said to me to “go to bed…Now!”Now I think back on it what mother does that?! Her child has just been sexually abused and you simply send her back to bed?! I have a hard time wrapping my adult brain around that!

The police were called and the man was charged. My mom could not hide the fact that her child was harmed, because there was a witness, albeit, a very angry witness to the crime.I remember the nice police Lady gently waking me up. She had on her uniform and her hair was done up in a style like a bun of some sort. She had golden blonde hair, and smooth pale skin. The funny thing I can not remember the color of her eyes. perhaps, I was to scared and ashamed to meet her eyes. However, I do remember glancing into them and they were so kind. it seems to me they were like a pale blue. However, I can not be positive, it just seems that is what my memory is showing me.

This did go to the courts, and the man was charged with sexual abuse of a child, among other things. He was institutionalize, and according to my mother underwent shock therapy treatment. I do not know if my mom told me this to make me feel bad about calling out for help or to make me feel bad for the man. Either way it did make me feel bad, and made me wish I had not called out….

For those on this Journey with my sister and I. We commend you for your courage, this is by no means an easy journey. However, I want to assure you that I am a happy Adult, I love people although I can only be around close friends and do not do well with strangers. I struggle, but I live and am content to continue this journey with you all my new friends. Your, sharing time with me is healing, and I thank you for that.

“A child’s voice that goes unheard is a tragedy; A child’s voice heard but unheeded is a travesty… ” 2019 Tammy: LOVE to You all =)

Tammy, holding youngest sister and Tyra standing next to Tammy.

Tammy:

Our mother did a huge amount of moving, I really do not recall how many times in a year we would move, I do not know why she just didn’t get one of those gypsy wagons. Tyra was born in Manning, I was born in Edmonton Royal Alexandra Hospital. The youngest new member of our family was born in Barhead, previously on another occasion. Our Mother did go back and forth to her old haunts time and again, so even if it was only a few places she would move back and forth multiple times.

Just an interesting observation to show how much she moved in Alberta. By the time we got to Barhead , were we are at this point in our lives. We had already been to Swan hills, Manning, Fairview,Peace river, and maybe some other places that I do not recall. This is just to show one tactic our mother used to stay as step ahead of social services. By continually getting new social workers, since she was a Welfare mother, it was difficult for social workers to get a clear picture of what was happening to the children. This should have been a red flag, but apparently it wasn’t. I suppose a lot of welfare families move a lot?

The only real stability was the three years that we spent with our foster parents. Even though we moved so much, we did it so often it became the new normal, although the changing of schools so often wrecked havoc on all aspects of our lives. Our self esteem suffered, our social skills suffered, even more than they already were, our academic learning suffered, and our sense of self became even more non existent.

At this time Tyra was around the age of five and I was about 8 years old. I remember I was a modest child. Looking back at it I wonder was it modest or an attempt to protect my self. The reason why I bring this up is because of an event I remember very clearly.

One summer evening, the nights were so long it was almost like day time, but it was in fact around eight o’clock p:m. Tyra and I were already in bed. We did not have pj’s we slept in our underwear and nothing else. I never really felt comfortable this way, but had little choice. I always felt vulnerable not free, just wearing panties to sleep. A couple and their two young boys came to Visit mom and her current lover. The boys were sent out to play on a old tractor he had in his yard for decoration.

I recall mom hollering at us in the bed room asking us three girls if we wanted to go out and play. Tyra and Tanya were both up and ready to go play out side, even though they only had their panties on and a diaper. They were so young it didn’t really matter. However, for me I was 8 and it did matter..a lot. I remember hollering back to my mom yes please, just give me a minute to put on a shirt. I recall my mother hollering “you do not need to put on a shirt, just go or stay in your room; your choice!” I stayed in my room looking out the window at the other children playing, wishing I was comfortable enough to go play out side with no shirt on.

I could hear the adults talking, about what I am not sure, but after awhile Mom relented and let me put on a shirt and go play out side. I remember glancing down and side ways at the visitors sitting at the table, and feeling so ashamed that I was not brave enough to play with no shirt on like the other children. My poor little heart was breaking because modesty meant so much to me, the reasons why we all can understand. I did get to go outside and play though. I laughed and had fun, and for a while was just a child nothing less nothing more, it was wonderful.

FAMILY:

The first Time I ever remember meeting Two of our Uncles, that were very close to our mom, was when they just showed up on our door step. I thought they were exciting and so tall =). Mom got a baby sitter and they all went out. The babysitter was so much fun! We all danced to Jolene by dolly Parton like we were professional dancers haha. We had a big window that acted like a mirror. I knew people could see our antics but I didn’t care I loved dancing!! I love music too all kinds of music!! Mom and her entourage came home and my sister and I hid behind a chair. They were all so sloppy drunk =(. One of my Uncles spied us still up and said he was going to give us a whooping. The baby sitter stopped him and Tyra and I ran screaming to our bedroom, huddled in fear waiting for him to come give us a whooping. Instead of that happening My uncle and mom started fist fighting instead.

The violence was so vicious and prevalent in our home. Only the most Violent become the predator while the children become the prey. So sad, and so very wrong.

The Secret:

I recall mom calling to me to the kitchen table, I stood in fort of her as she told me she was pregnant and what gender did I want. she asked me with all my siblings what Gender I wanted, it was our thing=) I remember this with fondness. she said”This is the last one, so chose wisely.” I thought for a few minutes and in my heart I wanted a Baby Brother So with out any ado, I said, “I want a Baby Brother, a little Boy”. thinking back on this maybe this was my mothers way of atoning for the fact that she destroyed my chances of ever having children of my own. She was vicariously sharing her pregnancy with me. I sure did a lot of motherly duties.

The day that our Mother told her man she was pregnant, but obviously with another mans child, since he had a vasectomy, I was present. As protection or a witness or what I really do not know but she used me, which was not abnormal for her. She told me to slid a gold watch across to the man as she was telling him it was over. He was so angry!! He slapped his hand down and I pulled mine back just in time so it did not get caught between the watch and his hand. The hurt and anger in that mans eyes was unbearable to watch so I just looked down and stood silently. After a time mom told me to go start packing up our things, I dutifully complied, as was my way. The word NO did not exist. for me.

So once again We are off to a new Destination, Edmonton, hope to see you all there when we get there.

LOVE is Poetry in Motion (A thank you to one of our followers, i’m sure they know who they are) A huge thank you too all who are on this Journey with us, It is so greatly appreciated!!!!

Tyra:

After the incident of being in the hospital all I remember was walking to school with my teacher, when it was really cold. On the way there I would see all the trailers that were in the trailer court have these long ice cycles on them, it looked so cool I remember thinking. Then some of the times I would try and get one to suck on. I remember my older sister coming to pick me up from class, she wasn’t that happy about picking up her little sister but did it all the same.

During this time I would have this reoccurring dream of being in a house fire and the fire fighters could not get me. I could see them out the window I was banging on but no one would come to get me. Did I wake after the dream I do not recall, but this dream haunted me for years after. In asking some professors about the dream they said as a young child I felt trapped. Being the adult that I am today I would not think children at the age of 5 or 6 would be feeling that way, but obviously it does happen.

My bio mom had another boyfriend that we were living with he was a great guy from what I remember. I can recall the Christmas that I received my first doctors play kit. After that time I always said that I wanted to be a doctor. Haven’t quite made it there yet but maybe one day.

Then the time came that bio mom was bored with the man she was with and we decided that she wanted to cheat on him and she did. This we all know because she got pregnant with our little brother Trevor. This was not a good thing as mom did not tell the man she was living with the issue and caused a fight between the two of them. All I remember was my mom had a black eye and was told to call the police. That was the last time that I saw that good man, what a mistake my bio mom made.

As usual we would pack up and move away from the situation, so my bio mom could hide the problems that were caused in the other areas she lived. The issue being is that she never learnt from those mistakes, she kept making the same ones which makes you think she did it on purpose. Maybe she did, but why?

My sister and I think about that question everyday, why would you put your children in dangerous situations that you know they would be at risk for abuse. We just come to the conclusion that maybe she was a sociopath and liked causing pain to her children. Tammy and I discuss this at length and still baffles us to this day.

Tammy:

During this time, I started school. you could only imagine what kind of fiasco that was, having never been around other children other than my siblings and my foster siblings. to further complicate the issues, I was a severely traumatized little girl. School did not bode for well for me, and my fears were realized….

Grade one, lets say right off that bat I failed grade one. Not because I was not as smart as other children, it was probably due to the fact that I knew to much and did not fit a typical child’s mold. My mold had been viciously shattered but the adults who came into contact with me, through my mother.

To the grade one teacher that I stabbed with a pencil, I am so sorry =(. It is not my nature to be vicious, it was a learned behavior and really had nothing to do with you as a person, Like me you were a victim. I profusely apologize for the pain I caused you. I was punished for this misdeed, and sent to the principals office.

This is were I learned that pain was not all inclusive to my home, for I received a strap on both hands. I recall the principle looking at me oddly when I did not cry. Why should I, the pain was so minimal to me. The only one that could make me make a sound when they beat me was my mother, and then it was not a cry, it was a scream of terror and pain.

I ended up in the hospital at around this time. I never really knew why, since I do not recall having any broken bones, or pain. Having talked to sympathetic family and my sister I received my answer, and it floored me at the injustice of it all. I was in the hospital due to sever trauma to my little girl parts. I recall being in a room with another little girl who had a tube so she could pee. I remember talking to her about that and her asking why I was there. I remember telling her that I was hurt but would be ok . It hurts my heart to recall my child self said I would be ok ….

I have not ever been able to conceive children. Although I do believe I would have been an amazing mother. I suppose the best I can do is to nurture that little girl that was once me. I have so many issues with menstruating, for months on end or not menstruating for months on end. Many times I have gone to the Dr to get them to stop the bleeding. they even tried putting me on birth control not realizing that I was genetically predisposed to hormonal cancer . Even I did not know that, so no fault of the Drs.

I recall going back to school, and this wonderful tall teacher, I suppose all adults were tall to me, ran towards me face alight with a glow. she looked so beautiful, her high heels clacking on the hall way floor, her bouncy black curls gleaming, her blue eyes twinkling. Her huge smile was beatific. Se look ecstatic to see me. She picked m,e up under my arms and twirled me in the hallway. Her dress swirling out like a carousel top. I felt something, I think it was a bubbling of laughter, I managed a huge smile for her.

The kindness also hurt my heart, since it made me pause and wonder, why so little of this, and so much of the other. A fleeting thought then resignation that it was this way because that is how it is. To a child truth is black and white, it is not complicated it is just the way it is.

However, all these years I remember that lovely Lady twirling me with laughter and a twinkle in her eye, and my heart breaks a little that there was going to be so little of that in the years to come, so I hold onto that memory with a ferocity of a mother lion =).

Tyra can make me laugh, a rare thing but, I love how I can make her laugh. I love laughter it is the best music of all, I never get tired of listening to it. for my friends and family out there can you try to have at least one laugh a day, you never know I might be able to hear it floating on the wind.

Thank you so much for sharing this Journey with us, it is so much easier to not have to do it alone anymore =)