Tammy:

So we moved into a new place, our little brother was still in diapers, but was walking and talking. Heck,he loved that old dutch potato chip commercial, he would always stop and dance to it when ever it came on. Mom was so absent that he called Tyra and I mom, since he didn’t know who his mom was… poor baby… When he grew out of calling us mom I became his big Brother. Poor baby wanted a brother I suppose, being surrounded by girls all the time, I would too. Our Uncles came around sometimes that was good, sometimes not so good. My uncle Wade taught my little brother the rodeo song.. the one with all the profanity in it. He could sing that song word for word, and did every chance he could get. I think he did it because the adults thought it was oh so cute!! He was about

I remember cooking supper and putting a plate on the stove. The stove was still hot, I intended to put the meat on that plate, but it was still in the oven. I remember a hard pain in my shoulder as my Uncle punched me. He yelled at me for putting the plate on a hot stove. Please remember I learned to cook by trial and error, no one every showed me. After he did that, I really did not like to cook any more, even that task was associated with pain.

However, I continued to do it, how could I not, if I didn’t do it who would? I would vacuum and clean the dishes and pick up all the empty bottles sweep the floor wash the floor, basically remove all absence of the party my mom had the night before. Sometimes I had to step over strange people to continue my cleaning. It was such a normal thing for us to find strange people sleeping on our floor. Some times I would find naked couples. I just hated the smell they made, you know that sex smell, was so gross to me seriously, this was our home not a brothel bar, or what ever they thought it was. They typically always woke up when I started cleaning and looked so surprised to see a young girl cleaning up their mess. I hope they felt a little ashamed of themselves, but probably not. High and Drunk people usually only remember half of what they did if they remember anything at all…

When mom went out she would get me to look after the kids, I did that all the time anyway, I guess what I meant to say is when mom went out she made sure I knew that if anything went wrong it would be my fault! So I made dam sure nothing went wrong, Except for this one night.. I had a TV in my room. A tv and a Bed and nothing else, I didn’t need a dresser cause I only had one pair of pants and a couple of shirts, that probably were hanging in the washroom since I washed all the clothes in the tub.

So, now I had a dilemma say no and break their heart, nope couldn’t do that, watch a different show? Hell no! I wanted to watch a “stranger calls!” So I told them, “I am going to watch a scary show”, “you can stay if you want… but you can’t tell mom or get scared!” They all agreed with my terms.. Kids they just wanted to be with me, and to be honest I wanted them to be with me too, I was kinda scared to watch the show by myself lol =). Our littlest brother sat on his feet through out the whole movie! Just glued to the screen, he didn’t move the whole time!! I should of been concerned, but I didn’t think any thing was wrong. After the movie I said” Ok scoot off to be before mom gets home!”

Even our mother lived in night gowns if she wasn’t going out, she wouldn’t get dressed if at home only if she went out. She had a closet full of beautiful clothes! I pleaded with mom to get us some more clothes, and she got vouchers for me and Tyra to get new clothes. She added stuff to the cart for herself and just put it on the voucher saying it was for me. So even our own mother wouldn’t let us have what we needed, since her needs and wants came first. Tyra and I ended up with very little, underwear a few shirts and a couple pairs of pants. Oh yea and cowboy boots, three pairs as Mom got a pair for herself. She always wore cowboy boots, and if she kicked you in the but with those on you knew it!

About the movie the night I baby sat! So all four of us were in our rooms in Bed, I was in my room in bed watching TV. I loved scary shows and a scary movie was coming on, there is no way I was gonna miss that show! it was called “A stranger calls” I was so excited to watch this show. It was just about to come on, when not one, not two, but all three of my siblings came into my room wanting to be with me cause they couldn’t sleep! Sometimes they would do that and I would get them to rub my feet and sleep at the end of the bed. I feel bad about that, but I couldn’t stand anyone up by my torso.

Because “A stranger calls” was about to start, and I did not want to miss watching it, they has to watch it with me. However, the deal was they would not tell mom. It is funny to me now how I never thought things through. Of course they would be scared, and of course mom would find out I let them watch it with me. In a lot of ways I was very irresponsible, and other ways too responsible. After the. Movie was finished, the real scare began…

Our little brother stood up and looked at us with horror on his face and began to cry “I got nails in my feet”! “That man put nails in my feet!’ He was so little he didn’t understand that his feet fell asleep and would hurt until the blood circulation was back in them. I was freaking out because what if mom came home and our little brother was crying about the nails in his feet, it would all come out about me letting them watch a scary movie with me! Oh Fudge I was in big trouble now!! I started rubbing his feet to try and get them back to normal as fast a I could, telling him I was taking the nails out of his feet, and I was going to beat up that man for doing that . It calmed him down. I was after all his big brother.

We all heard mom coming in the door with our uncles, they were so loud and rambunctious, mom was fighting with one of my uncles, like real fist to cuffs fighting! My mom fought like a man and she was a big lady and could throw her weight around pretty good. She could back hand us and send us flying across the room if she wanted to, and at times she did. We always tried to sit out of arms reach of her! The kids all scattered to their rooms. I jumped into my bed hoping she wouldn’t sense something amiss. When mom was drunk she was at her most unpredictable, especially if she was in a fighting mood, which she was that night. I was so scared of her, that movie wasn’t even scary to me Mom was the real monster, and no one could ever tell me monster’s were not real! We all got to watch our movie, but because our little brother was still scared she found out what happened. I got a back hand and sent to bed. To me the back hand was worth it, I spent quality time with my siblings, even if the littlest got scared.

Our little brother, was old enough to be potty trained and he was being trained, but he still peed the bed. I felt so bad for him. I would check on him in the night and if he didn’t pee the bed already I would wake him up to go pee in the bathroom. Sometimes I slept through the night and forgot to wake him and he peed the bed. I would quickly wash him down put clean undies on him and send him to my bed, as I stripped his bed of the soiled linen. I would hide the soiled linen until I was able to get coins for the washing machine that the tenants used.

I would then get them ready for school and drag my sorry butt to my classes. I didn’t do very well in school. However, I could read anything you put before me and understand what I was reading, including medical books, encyclopedias, romances, drama , horror, heck even the cereal boxes. I loved anything to do with books. I loved English, it fascinated me, entranced me, saved me. However, I did not know my multiplication tables, hated science, hated gym because I had to change in front of people. I like history to a certain point, until it just became so boring to me, I could hardly keep my eyes open.

The man that abused me for years, was not supposed to be around me, but somehow he angled his way back into our home and our lives. He was staying at a motel near by and my mother would take me there to go visit him. The last thing I wanted was to see that vile man! After about a month, he was back in our lives. I don’t understand how this was allowed. Perhaps because of mom lying for him, and him not being charged with sexual abuse of a child, it should of been children as I was not the only child he sexually abused.

I remember one time I slept through the night and didn’t get up in time to take my little brother to the bathroom. He peed the bed. I jumped out of my bed, but I was too late. That “man” was stomping towards my brother, who ran towards me in fear. I grabbed my little brother, and was going to take him down stairs. Bedrooms were never safe for us. That “man: ripped back the covers and seen that my little brother had indeed peed the bed. He came stomping over to us and grabbed my little brother and threw him against the wall with full force. My little brother slammed up against the wall, and did not utter a word, just lay there. I am so sorry my little brother, I was able to take the nails out of your feet but, I was not able to beat up the real bad man. My heart absolutely cracked in half, he never called me his big brother after that. I hated “That Man”! I “loved and Hated my Mother” They were stealing so much from me and I would never get back my young years or my innocence.

I was seeing a counselor Janet. she would come to my school to see me, I don’t really recall what we talked about but I liked her, and looked forward to her visits. I remember I was seeing a male counselor too, but I was sexually provocative towards him, so they gave me a female counselor. I am sorry for making that man feel uncomfortable, I thought he would like it since he was a man. this behavior is not unusual for sexually abused children. Unfortunately as you will find out there is a lot of consequences for being abused like this for so many years with out support or treatment.

I couldn’t take it any more, I had to get away from that man and my mother. I went to stay with my mothers friend for a few weeks that summer. I do not know what they did while I was gone. But for me I got a training bra I didn’t need and crashed a bicycle into a car!! Their was even laughter. There was three children, the baby and the second oldest were darling. The little girl with her curls and dimples reminded me of Shirley temple.The baby boy was absolutely adorable. The oldest had thick long hair down to her waist, she had amazing hair I was so jealous of her hair!!

Monsters are real…

Even-though I had gone to my mom’s friends house “That man” would bring my siblings to come see me, to try and entice me to come back home. I do not ever recall my mom ever coming to see me when they came. There was a lot of pictures taken, unfortunately they were all lost some were.

I didn’t go home right away, I stayed with my mom’s friend and her family. I felt free there but not entirely, I think I would always be guarded no matter what. I remember one night me and the oldest girl were playing a dangerous game with marbles. I know we should have been asleep, but kids do stupid this, and we were giggling and playing like two little girls. I heard her mom tell her husband to “go deal with those two!” Oh geez we were in for it now! Then I heard the dreaded command from her to him “spank them!” Now we were both terrified! The oldest girl got spanked first with a belt, and was crying as she got into bed, then it was my turn. I reluctantly went forward for my punishment. He gave me a few whips on my back side as he put me across his knee. Of course it hurt! But I looked at him in the eyes and said” Is it ok If I do not cry?” His face crumpled, I do not know what he saw in my face but it broke him.. He said of course it is ok.. and grabbed me and gave me a big hug, the hug made me cry.. kindness always made me cry because I got so little of it. I went to bed, and heard him say to his wife, “I am never going to lay a finger on any of these kids ever again! If you want to spank them you are going to have to do it yourself!”. I loved that man for saying that.

After that incident I packed my stuff up in a garbage bag and trucked on home. It’s not that I wanted to go, it was I was worried about my own siblings. I knew my friends would be ok. At least I prayed they would be ok . I had to go back and look after my siblings, so I left, and went back home to my little family, and my “mom and him”! Mom was indifferent to see me, and he just grinned. My brother and sisters were happy to see me and I sure was happy to see them!! so I was back in the monsters Lair, however not for long.There was to be a lot of garbage bags in our future.

I found myself retreating further and further into myself, but there was always that underlying aggression and anger. I was a ticking time bomb and not a soul knew it, I hid it very well. I became very good at hiding and stuffing my emotions. I had to do this to protect my self. Little did I know that many children who have been sexually abused did the very same thing. I had been abused so much, that I was really difficult to reach. I seemed distant, cold, unusual, odd, different. I was different, I was molded into something that should never have been created, and it is painful, very very painful for me to live this way. I was suffering in silence.

Tyra:

Being in the Edmonton during this time is a painful one for me. I remember several incidents that occurred and the abuse that occurred with it. How could a mother do the things that our mother did, and think it is showing their children love.

I was just 10 years old and mom had asked us to go money from the bank for her. It was $100.00 dollars, so Tanya and I thought that it would be a good idea to get Trevor, who was 4 years old, some baby food and feed him. We went to the store and bought 20.00 worth the baby food for Trevor and hid it in the basement. When mom realized that there was 20.00 missing we were in extreme trouble. Even when we explained to mom that we had bought it for Trevor she still decided to call the police, and tell them to talk to us about stealing. In our mind we were not stealing we were, giving something to Trevor to keep him healthy.

Tanya and I got in the habit of stealing food or candy from the local convience store. We never got caught until we decided to go to the drug store and steal from there. The manager caught us and called the police, we were taken home in a cop car. Then we were in big trouble. I remember my mom asking “what did I do to make you do this to me?” . I do not know how she did not know why, this is just another testimony that it was all about her and her needs. After the conversation we were made to go back and say that we were sorry, our uncle paid for the candy that we took, and we were told to never come in the store again. I did not steal after that day.

Remember walking to school with Tammy and Tanya as every other day, this one day Tanya and I decided to skip school and just play in the leaves. That was ok until we got bored and had to wait till school was out before we could go home. We just ended up sitting talking and pretending we were having a picnic. When we came home our mom asked where we were we said at school, she stated that the school had called and said that we were absent. We got grounded for a week, we could not go out to play with our friends.

This one incident that occured broke my soul in pieces. I do not recall the reason for the punishment, but I do not believe that any child should be whipped like a horse. Obviously I had done something bad, and got a spanking. This was no ordinary spanking it was with a horse whip. The funny thing is I do not remember the pain. I just know it happened. My sister Tanya had the spanking also but not a severe as mine.

After my punishment I had 3 large purple bruises on my butt, and found it difficult to sit in my seat at school. My teacher noticed that I was having a problem and took me out of class and asked what happened. I told my teacher and social services was contacted and they did their assessment. All I remember is worrying about Trevor and what would happen to him. I was reassured that he would be fine and that I did not need to go get him. After the conversation with the social worker and realizing I did not have to go back to the abuse, I was so happy. I ran up the stairs back to my class room and singing that I did not have to go home, I was ecstatic.

Tyra:

As stated by my sister Tammy the hurt of our mom calling her a LIAR was very painful. It was painful for me also cause I knew what happened and could not do anything to help Tammy. Since the community that we were living in found out about the sexual abuse that Harvey had committed, we had to move yet again. This time I was excited as there was a big yard to play in, and I slept in my own room.

It did not matter that I had my own room, Trevor would always come in my room and want to sleep with me, so I would let him. He was so precious to me at that age and would do anything to make him happy. I would also give him my favorite teddy bear to sleep with. That large pink teddy bear went with me everywhere. I even took it with me to the play ground with me, it was my security blanket.

Life in stony plain is a blur for me except my bike. I pulled that bike out of the dump and fixed it so it was functional. I remember having to fix the tangled chain on it and to put it on the spokes. It was a difficult task for a young girl to take on, but I did it. Yes this bike did not have a seat but I did not care I was proud of my bike, even rode it to school. Who in their right mind would ride a bike to school that looked so awful, I did. Then one day I left the bike behind Harvey’s van and he drove over it, I could not be more upset. Guess you are wondering if that was the end of my bike, nope. I fixed it all over again. I was fixing it with tears rolling down my cheek. I couldn’t just let it be, I would not quit till it was fixed and I could ride it once again. There was no remorse for running it over from Harvey or my mom, it was my fault for leaving it behind the van. It was my first learning lesson that, not everything I think is important is important to anyone else. I remember my mom carried a picture of me with that bike in her wallet for years, I guess it did mean something to her also even though she did not show it.

Living in Stony Plain was painful for Tammy, mom would abuse her all the time. She would make her clean the house and spend time alone more and more. I did not understand what was happening as Tammy was not a problem child. Tammy would work hard at school to make our mom happy but there just seemed nothing Tammy could do to make mom leave her alone. I remember Tammy having to clean the bathroom. There was a rust stain on the tub from the water dripping, mom made her scrub that stain to get it off. I had to go to the bathroom and Tammy was crying cause the stain would not come off and she could not come outside until it was all clean. I wanted to help her with it but mom saw I was trying to help her and mom brusquely yelled at me to get out of the bathroom and leave Tammy alone!. Having read what Tammy wrote before me the puzzle pieces are coming together.

Mom never really wanted to do much, we were her little slaves. That is what I thought it was back then anyway. Getting groceries was not a priority for our mother, she would send us to the grocery store in the dark, or in the cold. Of course I would be bundled up to go, to the store. I usually would go by myself. I remember when a car would come by I would jump in the ditch and hide in the snow as I did not want to get kidnapped. Looking back I think would not have been that bad, being kidnapped. Living through what I lived through, going to a family that kidnapped me might be alright.

Christmas came again and it was a very busy Christmas. Our uncle Nibs and auntie Irene came to see us. I remember the doll that they gave me. It was one that crawled on the floor, it was so cool, I loved it. This is when mom met a different man and his name was Ben. There must have been a fight as when I woke up in the morning the Christmas tree was laying on the floor. Then when mom got out of bed she said that we were moving to Vancouver and to just pack up some clothes a toy. She did say we would be coming back. My bear was too big to bring, so I decided to take the doll that I was given for Christmas. What a mistake. I left behind my security blanket, my pink teddy bear. I was so distraught leaving it behind. However, in this family, personal possessions were never honoured, including our own minds, bodies and soul.

Tammy:

A long bus ride and I didn’t care that horrible “man: was not with us! There must have been a clash between them, because mom was leaving him. During this time he was trying to get her to stop using her pills. Why I do not know. However, in any event coming between an addict and their drug of choice is definitely going to cause a war that the Addict will win if they do not want to quit. Which was the case with our mom, she did not want to quit, her drugs were even more important to her than him. He wanted power and control over her too, he underestimated the power of her addiction though and lost her, and us in the process. I was not sad.

Of course mom was not going all the way to Vancouver, with no man waiting for her on the other end. Of course there was a man, however, this man was a good man except he drank to much and developed cirrhosis of his liver, so the stay was not to be for long, but long enough for a reprieve from him! This time in Vancouver was bitter sweet for me and my siblings.

We lived in a house that had a large basement suit, and we lived in the basement with Ben. I remember Ben with fondness as he treated us better than any one has ever treated us before, and he did not try to sexually touch me. Our mother was another story all together, she did not change for anyone ever, she was still the same malicious abusive person to us she always was. It wasn’t until many years later that the full horror of how abusive she was would come out. Tyra and I will be sharing that towards the end of our memoir. I am thinking it is going to be the most challenging and difficult piece, but so very important to share.

My sister and I were enrolled into school, and were of an age were fashion was so important to us. Between us two we each had one pair of dark green pants of different material. One pair was that shiny material, the other was more like a felt consistency. They were so ugly! They were the type of pants a person would wear around the house and not care how she appears to the outside world. My sister and I shared these two pairs of pants in an attempt to make people think that we had more than one pair of pants. We would carefully wash them in the tub and hang them to dry and in the morning grab which ever pair the other one was wearing the day before.

Another issue we had was lunches, more often than not we didn’t have any. This was normal for us. however, the hunger sometimes was to much, an I am ashamed to say that sometimes I would steal an orange or a sandwich if the person had two. I never stole a whole lunch, that does not make it right, but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave some one else as hungry as I was. I still felt bad about it though, not because I was stealing, but because I was taking someones food, and it might leave them hungry too.

It’s not that mom didn’t have money, because she did, she collected welfare for four children, plus all the things she got from the men she lived with. Free rent, free food, free transportation ect. I was starting to realize that she did not love us for us, she loved us for the fact that we were a commodity that was a renewing resource of cash for her till we turned 18. She spent “her” money on her, no one else, we received the bare minimum she could get away with. I remember her beautiful clothes. Her closet would be overflowing with soft fabrics and vibrant colours. She loved clothes, and there was never a shortage of clothes for her. My sister and I went back through our memories, and the revelations and research we did, to find out why shocked us to our core.

She always failed though. The system eventually would catch up with her, punish her for a few months then bring us back home, again and again. They continually gave this woman access to us, to use and abuse. Honestly, I do not know which was worse the abuse, or people professing to be your protectors, continually putting you back in a horrific situation, that you could only endure, and try to keep your mind from fragmenting. Were we successful? Sadly the answer is no, to varying degrees, the abuse took its toll, and the consequences were painfully apparent, in some areas of our lives.

There was a man and woman who lived up stairs. That man was so evil mean to me because of my bed wetting. He would say the cruelest things to me in front of every one. My mother never once stood up for me, why would she. She got a perverse pleasure out of my humiliation. I tried to avoid him as much as possible, but he also got a perverse pleasure out of humiliating me, and would seek me out. I wish I could say to that man, you sir are a bully, what makes it worse is you are an adult bully!!

I tried so hard not to pee the bed, but I was just unable to control my self. I think there was damage done to my little girl parts that was left untreated, cause not only could I not stop peeing the bed, I was to find out later that I was unable to have children. They stole pretty much everything from me!

I remember Ben gave me a barbie doll!!! I loved that barbie and played with it every day. Some days she was a mermaid, some days a model, some days just an ordinary girl. That doll gave me many happy moments, spent by myself. Maybe it took me back to when I was three and played barbies by my self at our first foster home. In any event thank you for the Doll Ben. It is these few fond memories I cling too, for they are like a balm for my soul.

Something must have gone terribly wrong because we were all taken away! I was put in a group home. I loved that group home, missed my siblings terribly, but for the first time I felt so safe. I was to find out later it was a special group home for children aged 2 to 12 who have been sexually abused. I didn’t know we were all sexually abused, I did not find this out till later. It was a mix of boys and girls. the boys separated from the girls. The youngest child in the home was a four year old girl.

I really do not know what happened but I have a very strong feeling what ever it was it was devastating, especially if both I and my sister blocked it out! I was given medical treatment and put on some pills. Another thing that happened is I stopped peeing the bed! Unbelievable, not sure whether it was the medication or the love and attention I was receiving, but in any event, it was the last time I peed the bed due to sexual abuse.

I enjoyed my time at the group home we did many wonderful thing, like we went up on these cars on cables, cable cars? I’m not sure what they were called, but it was exhilarating, and scary at the same time. All the children and staff ate together in a dinning room with about eight tables. It was fun to sit at a table with a staff member or with out, I loved it there. I wish I could have stayed maybe my life would have been different, but I missed my siblings so much!

We didn’t stay in BC long, I think out mother made a deal that is they gave us back she would leave and never come back. Tyra said mom was kicked out of the Province, I have heard of that happening but only for extreme grievous reasons. Something very horrific happened and both Tyra and I blocked it out, all that was left was the consequences.

Ben was left behind, whether by choice or not, I do not know. All I remember is him looking at me with very sad eyes. I think he knew why we were removed from our mother. He died shortly after that from alcohol poisoning, his liver gave out. I think he knew what happened to us, and he protected my mom the same way she protected Harvey. He just could not live with not speaking up for us, and drank himself to death. My mother was not only the Destroyer of lives and innocence, she was the Destroyer of souls. Still I so badly wanted her approval, so I kept hanging on in hopes that one day she would see how much I loved her…

We got to ride on a train back to Edmonton, that was fun. It was the one and only time I every been on a train ride and I loved it!! You were allowed to go from car to car, and explore as long as you were careful, and you could go up in the observation deck and look at the panoramic view it was amazing!! The train ride did come to an end though and we were back in Edmonton.

Edmonton: when we got back to Edmonton we stayed in a hotel for geez a month. It seemed longer as it was high summer and putting four children and one adult in a small one room was not a happy camper type of event. Our playground was outside the Vega hotel, out on the streets, where they were doing construction and stuff. However, we knew how to stay safe from traffic and what not, so it was fine for us. Even my little brother took the bus downtown with his little friend when he was five. Skipped school hopped the bus and went downtown. The police brought him home that evening. Our next segment will be going over when we moved out of the hotel and into our new home. The nightmare continues. So happy I found out reading and sleeping take me away for a little while. They became my escape, and if I was not reading, I was sleeping. If I was doing neither of these, then I would day dream. If not that, then I was suffering.

Sleep was becoming a comfort too, I was developing my mothers sleeping habits.

“I live in my dreams, because my reality is a nightmare. Told to my psychiatrist.” Tammy

Tyra:

After the fight that may have happened in Stony Plain that made our mother think she had to move, yet again, we were on the bus going to Vancouver. I do remember Ben with us as he would buy us snacks to munch on during the ride. I was just thinking about my bike and my pink teddy bear.

When we arrived in Vancouver, Ben had a bachelors apartment that all of us stayed in. All of us kids would stay on the pull out couch in the living room and mom and Ben had a bed in the open bedroom. Sexual activity would be happening when we were there in the other room, what would you expect. Not too sure how long we stayed in the apartment but it seemed too long. Then as Tammy stated we had a place in a basement, where we were sleeping on the floor cause we did not have beds.

Harvey came to see mom in Vancouver to try and convince her to come back to him. She made the decision not to move back with him. As children we looked what he had in his van and there was my big pink teddy bear, I was so happy. I asked if I could have my teddy bear and he stated “only if you convince your mom to come back to me”. Thinking back I gave up my security of my teddy bear so that we would no longer be abused by this evil man. Mom made the decision to stay in Vancouver, and not go back to this man. Us kids were so happy, thinking we were done with the abuse.

I remember being in a foster home and they tried to get me to eat yogurt. Sorry to say, it made me sick, as in vomiting. I also remember being very sick, strep throat during the time that we were not with our mom. Why we were taken away again I am not sure. No matter how hard I try to remember this time frame is blank.

The train trip was wonderful like Tammy said. The scenery was beautiful. The large domes on the upper part of the car was amazing. As children we were restless, not knowing what to do, we tried to stay quiet but still had too much energy. Sleeping was a chore also as we had to sleep on the bench seat, the loud sound of the wheels turning and screeching of the metal on metal. So when we were pulling into Edmonton, the sky was dark, street lights on, and wondering what is waiting for us in the future….

Tammy:

Please beware that the following piece may be triggering for some:

I do believe that our mother and her man took us out to the acreage to isolate us even further from social workers and prying eyes. I mean how much easier would it be to willfully abuse children away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Stony Plain was a nightmare, except for one saving Grace; Tyras bike. Every time I listen to my white bicycle by Nazareth I have a smile come to my face. “My white Bicycle” although it was a rusty old red broken down bike, this song reminds me of her. Her hair flowing in the wind and a huge grin on her face. The only thing wrong with the bike after she pulled it from the junk heap and fixed it the best she could was it didn’t have a seat. She would ride that thing up and down that gravel road hour after hour, I would watch her at times and her grin became even bigger. I feel bad for laughing at her when she wiped out and hurt herself, but that was the way we were raised, laugh at pain and don’t speak of happiness. So little joy, We found joy in the simplest things, an old junk bike cast off by the previous owners was a treasure to be sure!!

I remember, borrowing a tape from my mom. It was a Kendall’s tape. I liked them cause they were a father daughter team and that appealed to me. I had a old tape recorder, I would play that tape over and over, unfortunately it ate it!! For those that do not know what that means, it means it unwound the cassette tape in the recorder machine. Oh My God!! I was so scared what do I do. I seen my mother fix tapes that did this before, so I tried to fix it. I tried to fix it, and failed, this failure scared the life outta me, I was so scared of a beating! You never knew from one moment to the next what set our mother off! I didn’t dare go to her current lover as I avoided him like the plague. What to do? Hide the evidence, and say I lost it, how this made it better I do not know. However, I recall losing a hundred dollars of moms grocery money and she didn’t get angry, so I figured losing something was better than inadvertently breaking something. Does this make sense to you. I suffer extreme anxiety, I am starting to understand why! I threw the tape out my window as hard as I could. I lied to my mother and told her I lost it some were. She just shrugged her shoulders. I started to relax and breath normally.

However, guess who found it!! You guessed right if you said her current lover, the very man who abused me for years.He brought it in to show me with that awful grin he had when he had the upper hand. He showed it to me and just looked, a silent communication passed between us. I knew exactly what he was saying, with out saying a word. Keep your silence and I will keep mine…. He bought her a new cassette and mom never knew about the cassette he found. Now I felt he had something over me, a dam cassette doomed me, because I was so scared of what my mom would do if she found out I wrecked her cassette.

To understand how unpredictable she was, I will share a couple of instances of cruel and unusual punishment. One time I was in the shower and I slipped, I grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it down, to save myself from a nasty fall. I was so scared of what mom would do… I was right I heard her coming up the stairs and I locked the door. That was a huge mistake. Through the door I tried to explain what happened, but her rage was already provoked. She yelled at me “open this F’ing door now or it will be twice as bad!” I knew then there was no escape, she had already made up her mind she was going to beat me. I opened the door and she had a long wooden spoon. I was naked, wet and very vulnerable. I could not help but scream, I didn’t cry but I sure screamed, I am surprised no one called the police, I was so loud! However, with good reason, she hit me all over my body, except my arms and face. She was so dam smart, looking back I can see the precision and maliciousness of her abuse towards me. After she was done, it seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes, she was sweating with the exertion of her beating me, I went to my room to get dressed, in pain and with a broken heart.

The second incident, was like Oh My God help me she is sure to kill me this time!! I took my window out of the frame to clean it on both sides. I carefully laid it on my bed.. the unthinkable happened! I fell and my knee went right through the glass!! Can you imagine my terror? I bet you can, I was paralyzed with fear! There was no way I could hide this, she would notice it was gone if I threw it away, and she would surely see it if I took it out to the garbage! I did the only thing I could do under the circumstances.. I called my mom to show her what I had done. The unbelievable happened!! She looked at the broken window as I explained, I was trying to clean it to make her proud of me. She looked at me and said ” awww, you are such a good girl for trying to clean your room”. “It was an accident, don’t worry we will replace it!” I was floored! When I saved my self from falling in the tub by grabbing the shower curtain, and pulling it down, I got a wicked beating. For doing something I should not of been doing, taking a window out of its frame, I got praise?! This was so crazy to me, I did not have any idea what was right and what was wrong any more. If some one asked me if I knew the difference between right and wrong, the honest answer would have been no.

So you can imagine my fear over that stupid cassette tape, was I going to be beaten or not.. I had no idea, but even the thought of a beating paralyzed me with fear. You know that song she’s got the look, that was my mom’s song, well that’s who I think of when I hear it. All she had to do was give us the “look” and we towed her line. I say “her” line, because that line always changed from minute to minute.

All these years I tried so hard to not be bad, and now I was trapped. If being good did not make Mom love me, I could only imagine how she would feel after I did something bad, to what I thought was her favorite cassette. looking back, I now realize Mom’s favorite was Conway Twitty, not Kendall’s. Who was I to believe that I was so privileged to actually play her favorite cassette. That dumb cassette was nothing, sometimes I wish I would have found out what she would have done,so I wouldn’t be under “his” thumb, any more than I already was. However, the beatings she would give us were so vicious I couldn’t gather the courage to find out what she would do to me. Especially after she got those dam horse whips from the auction mart across the road. I didn’t believe Tyra, who saw them first. To put into context why we were so terrified of those horse whips, was when mom was enraged she would beat us mercilessly. We did not have any animals with which to use the horse whips on. They were for us.

After this, He became even more grievous to me. I had my own room with a pink carpet. Some would think that would have been the coolest thing, to have your own room, for me it was a nightmare. He would tell me to go into my room and play with my self. I told my mom and she told me to leave the door open, she slammed it shut just as he put his face in my window. Of course I wasn’t playing with my self, but I wonder how sever a beating I would have got if I was. The look of shock on that mans face was priceless to me, I know my mother saw him, now it would stop.

I was wrong it only got worse. There was no fighting or arguing, nothing, just silence. no one came to my rescue, I was betrayed, the one entrusted to care and love me betrayed me again, for the love of a man, who only wanted to abuse her children. I just did a lot of chores, like mowing the grass, doing the dishes and vacuuming, pretty much home making, nothing new. I was such a skinny girl, but was changing and it wasn’t passing his notice at all. My relationship with him was becoming even more ominous as time went by. this mans mind was so warped, any time I try to place myself in his shoes I am incapable of doing so, therefore I have no empathy for him what so ever. If he reaped what he sowed, I can not say that makes me unhappy or happy. I just feel a cold indifference for this travesty of a man.

We did a lot of camping back then. going all over the county side, I hated it, I still peed the bed!!! How shaming is that. Oddly neither my mother or her lover ever said anything to me about it. I always got up in the night to put my sheets in the wash and to put dry linen on. the only real thing my mother did to acknowledge there was a issue was to put plastic covering over my mattress. I would wash that down, let it dry then put clean linen on. I thought I was hiding the accidents so well, probably not. Do you think my mother knew why I was peeing the bed? Of course she did, which is why she never said anything about it in anger or support. Just silence.

The fact that my mother seen him in my window, but did nothing to protect me seemed to embolden him even more. He and my mother had some pictures, of them participating in oral sex. My mother confronted me and accused me of looking at those pictures, while he stood behind her and grinned that awful rictus grin. It always felt like I was looking into death when I saw that grin so sickening to me. I of course did not know what she was talking about since I did not see any pictures. She told me exactly were they were in the garage and when I went out there to check there was nothing there. Were did this accusation even come from?!! Him? I believe it was because he seemed to be enjoying the fear I felt about being confronted by my mother, and the ensuing and inevitable back hand, from her, did come. The shock just stunned me into silence, none of us children ever cried, unless we wanted to hear our mother say “shut up or I will give you something to cry about”, as if what we already endured was not worth crying over… I really hate that saying.

I do not know why I went back into the garage a second time, but I did and there like my mother said were the pictures she was all up in arms about facing up. the top picture showed her giving her man oral sex, gross!!! I thought geez I have to put these away before any of the young ones see these awful pictures!! I did not look through them, why would I seriously?! For my mother to even think that I would want to see that disgusting act between the two of them makes me so very angry!!! Who the hell did she think she was, that I would want to see her having sex!!! I simply put them were she said they were supposed to be and said nothing more about it, but that picture was forever burned into my mind!!

We did a lot of camping when we were with that “man” as I stated before, and, bad things happened. One of the things I remember is falling on one of those camping heaters and burning the side of my leg bad enough that I could not put anything against it. Instead of letting me wear bikini bottoms or anything my mother did not let me wear anything on my bottom. Remember when I was little and I didn’t want to go play outside with out a shirt? You can imagine how I felt now that I was like eleven and had no bottoms on! I was horrified!! Her man loved it though, as she would bring me out of the tent to put me across her lap and slather on cream on my leg. I struggled but after a few slaps I just submitted, shame coursing through my veins. All the while him watching with that evil rictus grin. No we did not go home after the accident, I remember people walking by the camp and looking at me and my mom when she was putting lotion on my leg. How.. how could she do this to me, my anger for her grew, but I was helpless to do anything about it.

Another thing he would do is give me a flash light and tell me to kiss the end of it and think of him.. what a gross pig he was! I knew what he meant when he said that, but still It boggles my mind how any man could be attracted to a skinny girl, who obviously was not even close to being womanly in any way shape or form.

Due to written letters by this mans twin daughters I firmly believe that he sexually molest his daughters as well, so not only was he a pedophile he was incestuous as well, a dangerous predator, no child was safe from this man!

I do not believe my mother was a pedophile, however she was a active and willing participant in the abuse. She was deranged and I do believe some what insane due to all the drugs and alcohol.

I still hid food, one night I was hungry and I snuck out to the kitchen and stole two pieces of bread, and was sneaking back to my room. I froze when my mother called out to me and asked me if I wanted to put some butter on my bread, I was caught but her kindness made me cry. butter on my bread!! Her kindness hurt my heart, maybe because it was so far and few between, or maybe I thought how could this woman show me any kindness after what she had already done to me! I did put the margarine on my bread, it was so good! I slept peacefully that night, food was such a comfort to me ….Food made me feel full, filled that emptiness, took away that pain, never made me feel bad or unworthy, Food was comforting, as I grew older finding comfort externally was to become my mission and my master.

“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you” Rapi Kaur

Tammy:

I just wanted to talk about the experience of going to court. I realize this was not my first time, however, the first time I really do not remember much of it. I remember that I had an advocate from Sacred circle there and of course my lawyer, but my lawyer wasn’t really interactive with me. I am thinking my mother already spoke to my lawyer and told her that this was all a big mistake. I was being failed over and over again.

The odd thing is I do not remember any medical exam, whether it was to late for that or they just didn’t bother I am not sure. I do however, remember taking a lie detector test, and him refusing to do so. If he had nothing to fear why didn’t he just take the test, I mean it is not like it was admissible in court. they told me he refused to take it, and I remember asking them why. I also remember asking them why I had to take one if he didn’t take one. what a travesty, a mockery of the justice system!

I remember his defense lawyer grilling me, and asking me questions about time, dates and what not. My Mother had already lied to them about the dates so it really did not matter what I said. She had also told them he was with her, the night in question. I had already been crucified before I even set foot in that court room. They talk about fair trials, well I certainly was not treated fairly even though it seemed I was the one on trial.

I remember him and my mother sitting together at their table with his lawyer, watching me. It was awful, I had zero support or a kind eye to look too except for that Lady from sacred circle. Even my lawyer did not speak up and come to me defense. Witch hunt and I was the witch. A little girl who had already been so shattered and broken, just being pummeled into dust by the Legal system. He walked away a free man to do even more harm, because of my mothers testimony. I was shattered.

I think that was the day I realized there was no one who was going to be able to save me, I was completely and utterly alone. I gave up…I became depressed and suicidal. Also, the fact that I was probably suffering complicated PTSD did not help my case for life at all. for the first time in my life I began to hate…myself….

I turned that hatred inward, and it only got worse as time went on. I with drew even more from society, rarely spoke. Was so timid and fearful of every one and everything. why not one saw this I do not know. I was a lost child. The child no one see’s.

The only real ally I had was my sister, because she knew the truth, she didn’t have to question me, she already knew the truth, but she was just a little girl. Since writing this, this is the first time I cried in a long time. “Kindness makes me cry.” Her comfort to me will forever be cherished and held sacred to me.

Needless to say, I have huge trust issues with people in authority. However, if it comes to advocating for some one else who is struggling against the system I have no problems doing that. It is just for myself I have a hard time standing up for myself. It is years of conditioning me to be a victim that has made me this way, and it takes a long time to become a person who loves one self, but it can be done. This is just an aside so look forward to the next segment that my sister and I are working on right now! We are so ever grateful for your encouragement and support!! LOVE

Tyra:

We returned back to to our mothers place, a bitter sweet moment. The sweet part was that all of us kids were all together again the bitter part was knowing things did not change in just a few months. I remember when we came back mom was standing in the window for us and had a big smile waiting for us. The rest of the home coming is not clear to me now, just the poignant moments are clear in my mind.

Moving had became a common occurrence for us and here we go again. This time we moved to a larger home, in Callingwood Place. It was more spacious for all of us kids, we all had a room and our own bed. The rooms were not large but were better than being in the same room. Tammy and I shared a room in the basement, Trevor being the only boy had his own room and Tanya had her own room.

During our time in this place we met some other children in the complex and we would go sledding with them, build forts out of the snow. This time was cherished by all of us. I even had skates and was skating in the parking lot when it was all froze over. Our extended family started to come by more, our uncles would come by and even end up staying with us for a prolonged time.

Mom and her brothers loved to party and they partied. It did not matter if it was during the week when we needed to go to school or on the weekend. The parties seemed to never end. Looking back I remember having to tell them to be quiet as we needed to get up in the morning for school. Then people wondered why we didn’t do well in school.

In the interim I went to my foster parents for the summer. It is a time that I fondly remember. Playing with the other children, the farm animals, getting eggs and having the chickens peck my hand. It was stated that I should use gloves, to prevent being scared to get the eggs. As I remember putting on these big leather gloves and it did help to get the eggs. I felt so proud being able to do my chore. Then it was time for the cow milking and having one of the foster brothers spray me with fresh milk, I just laughed. One of the sad moments introduced me to the cycle of life and death. I saw a dead kitten on the manure pile, I ask “what happened to the kitten?” they saw I was so sad. It was stated that the cow had stepped on it and it was just life. I still felt really bad for that kitten.

Time to head back to my bio mom, did I want to leave the farm “No”, but I had no choice. I remember being on the Greyhound Bus and the driver looked after me. When I arrived in Edmonton, my bio mom was waiting for me at the station with a new man.

The drive back home from the station was very upsetting as my bio mom was telling me that this new man that came into her life is my dad. I just stated that he is not my dad and will not be calling him dad. She was not happy with me as she expected me to just follow along with the story that he was my dad, but I would not have any of it. Also during the drive home, Trevor about 1 1/2 or 2 years old was running around in the back of the van singing “Tyra’s home, Tyra’s home” I can still see the joy he had on his face. Tammy and Tanya I did not come to see me and do not remember where they were.

The days came and went as they do for others, then it was winter again. Snow, sledding, fun is all I had in my mind. Walking up them big hills was worth it when you come speeding down on a red toboggan. After school we all looked forward to the evening for the sledding we could do.

Christmas was coming and as all children we were really excited. Who would have thought that we could have an amazing Christmas, not me. We were used to getting our gifts from the Santa Anonymous program but this year was wild. Our mom and Harvey went all out to give us a Christmas to remember.

They got us up at 3 am to open presents as Santa had come to town. The tree was all lite up, different colors twinkling in the darkness of the room. Then I noticed the presents. There were so many of them, I had not seen so many presents under a tree, the excitement arose in me, finding it difficult to contain myself. I do not really recall everything that I received that year the only things I do remember was the big red sleds, and that Tammy received a nurses watch and that mom wanted her to become a nurse to look after her when she got older. It was a pretty white watch and I never really forgot what she said about wanting Tammy to become a nurse. Harvey was the man she was with during this Christmas, who would have known a generous man could be a predator just waiting to pounce on its prey.

The New Year came in, what year it was is a blur. During the next year there was a lot of abuse happening. I remember this one night while I was sleeping, all I could hear was “get off of me, get off of me”. Being as young and naive about sex I did not realize until later what had happened. Harvey tried to take advantage of Tammy while I was in the same bed with her. After I woke up he took off running up the stairs back to his room. Then came the paranoia of when will he come again. Tammy and I always slept together so we were our own saviours from the abuse that he was still grooming us for.

Trigger warning: self first.

I remember this one day that Harvey wanted me to cuddle him on the couch. All I really remember was “ouch, don’t do that” the pinch and pain was too much for me as I blacked out and don’t remember much, the next thing I remember was that he was performing oral sex on me, I just remember his blue eyes looking at me with glee. Today looking back I do not understand what goes through a pedophiles mind when they are abusing you girls or boys. How do they get pleasure out of this type of sex?

While he was performing oral sex on me, my mom came down and saw what was going on and just sent me to bed. I felt by the way my mom reacted it was my fault that this is happening to me. She was angry at me for her new man taking advantage of me, instead of being angry at him for taking advantage of me. Looking back I do not understand the thinking. If it was my daughter that individual would be out of my home so there could be no more harm to the children in the home. This was not the thoughts of our mother, it seemed the more abuse and pain we were put throught the happier she became.

Tammy:

Callingwood is a very painful time for me as it was the ultimate betrayal of my heart. As stated by sister Tyra; Harvey was an integral part of our family unit by this time. Still being very young I never found my voice.. but I will, as you will read in segments further on.

I was such a skinny child, like nothing but skin and bones. It was funny to me to see my self so skinny, but that didn’t save me. I suppose like any predator this man observed his prey and picked out the weakest targets. Our Mother, was so high on Drugs most of the time, she was absent in her room and her man pretty much had free reign over us kids. I remember writing letters to his two Daughters who lived in Ontario. Their letters were ominous when discussing him, and their veiled warnings were not lost on me…. but what could I do?

I recall his son to come visit us, and I had a little kid crush, but i was way to young and he was way to old for me to be serious lol, but it was a nice feeling that crush. I am sure I just made him feel very awkward. However, it was harmless. It was nice having him around as things calmed down a lot when he was there. I do not think my mom’s man dared to try anything with his son there.

Tyra, spoke of that Christmas, I remember it too for other reasons though. It was New Years that mom and Harvey went out partying, leaving me to babysit the kids. I guess your allowed to babysit when you are Ten? Although, it did not seem to matter to our mother what age we were when she left us alone. She wanted what she wanted, and got it be dammed the consequences.

Tyra and I slept in the basement in a queen sized bed. I liked being with my sister, it was comforting, and I thought it was safe.. I was wrong…It never ceases to amaze me how we were both being abused but did not share with each other, each of us trying to protect the other…

Trigger Warning ahead, please be aware and take care of self first:

That Christmas we did get a lot of gifts, if I knew the price to be paid I would have gladly done with out. That New Years, was the evening that things escalated to a point were I was broken beyond belief. Mom did not come home with him. I remember hearing him come in and went up stairs to greet my mom and him. She wasn’t with him though. I remember asking him “were is mom?” his response was “she didn’t want to come home, she wanted to stay and party, so I left her there.” Apparently they were at a house party. I told him he should go back and get her, he refused.

Was he drunk? I do not think he was, he wasn’t falling down drunk that was for sure. Not that drinking is an excuse for what he did, I am just stating his frame of mind.. if that is possible to do, since it was so sick and twisted. I went back downstairs to go sleep with my sister.

I remember him yelling for me to come back up stairs, this went on three times, and each time he was trying to get me to drink, and kiss me. Yuck roils my stomach just thinking about his grossness. I knew exactly what this twisted pervert wanted and I wanted nothing to do with it. So the next time I went down stairs and he called me, I did not go up. I heard him come down the stairs, and I hid behind the furnace, thinking he would just go away. He didn’t.. he went to my sister and I’s bed and started doing something to her. I heard her say ” Harvey! Stop it!” She does not remember this but I do.

I realized that this man was not going to give up his intent to harm, he knew our mother would not protect us or do him harm. He could harm us with impunity. I stepped out from behind the furnace and told him to stop that! He said “come upstairs with me now!” He was actually mad the audacity of that sick man!! He made me drink whisky..how I hate even the smell of that gross stuff. I just pretended to drink, because I thought if he got drunk he would pass out and I would slip away. I was so scared!

My plan failed in a big way, he didn’t get drunk. I did, because he got mad when I didn’t empty my glass. I wish I was stupid drunk but I wasn’t I pretended to be though, I thought if I pretended to pass out he would go away…bad mistake. He packed me upstairs to my little sisters room. I think my little sister was in my moms bed asleep, cause she wasn’t there, in her own bed.

I begged him to please, do not do this! He just grinned at me, that horrible man! He stripped off my clothes, then stripped of his. what the heck I did not have a woman’s body! I didn’t know what a pedophile was, I just knew I didn’t want to do this and it was not fair. I felt his penis pushing on me, and his sloppy kisses as I turned my head to the wall. From far away I felt a pain then nothing, I do not know were I went, or for how long, I just went away….

He must have felt quite confident because I was only ten and not menstruating so there was no chance of me getting pregnant. Also haven previously been sexually assaulted he probably felt confident that any signs of abuse would be passed off on old abuse, not that I would ever tell.. at least I would not tell my mom…I remember waking up in my bed with my sister, I was so sore, and there was no sign of our mom. I just wanted to stay downstairs forever,

I didn’t tell my mom, I told a teacher, that spring, because he wouldn’t stop abusing me! I couldn’t take it any more, I just wanted it to stop!! Well, boy oh boy all hell broke lose. The social worker came, mom was furious!!! Her Fury was not directed at him though, it was directed at me. This is not as uncommon as people think. in fact it happens more often than not, that a mother will side with the perpetrator against her own flesh and blood. As talked about before, my mother was just as much a predator as her man was. We were trapped between a rock and a hard place.

I did go to court, will talk about that experience in next piece, mom refused to let Tyra testify, saying she was to young and nothing had gone on with her, so there was no need to traumatize her. My mother also testified that it was impossible for her man to have sexually abused me , due to the fact that when he was not at work he was with her! She perjured herself to protect a pedophile!! I lay it all bare to them everything that happened so far. The times he would come in the bathroom when I was in the tub. Rubbing up against me when I was in the kitchen., and of course the assault. My moms testimony dammed me as a liar though, and he got away with it. I still remember what he did to me all these years later, I do not think what I do remember, I will ever forget, I am just grateful so much is blacked out for me, small consolation, I was hurt beyond belief.

The comfort I get is knowing there are people reading this and rooting for us, for that my heart heals a little each time, so thank you for the kind comments and the views!!

There is more to tell, but for now, I need a little break.

“I am a survivor, a living example of what people can go through and Survive.” quote unknown author

Thank you my friends for the support. LOVE Please leave comments, thoughts, feelings, feed back. I always look for the comments. 😊💕

Tammy:

Before we leave this segment, I would like to share a bit more about the early years. Since our mother moved so much it is difficult to remember all the places we lived. This particular apartment that we lived in we , did not stay long, you are about to find out why shortly.

My sister Tyra, and I came home from school to find the walls blackened and the stove black with soot. The pungent smell of burned carpet and other house hold item’s was strong in the air. My mother was asleep on the couch, but woke up when we came in . I said “Mom!” “What happened?!” She replied, “Your little sister burned up your room.”

As I stated earlier I was an avid reader and had piles of books under my bed, ranging from newspapers, comics, and paper backs. Anything I could get my hands on to read, I would devour it word for word, sometimes two or three times. I mean anything my mother would read, I would be reading by the age of nine. I had a very extensive vocabulary for my age, however I lacked social skills, so only rarely spoke to Children my age. Adults, would say I was very articulate for my age. What they didn’t know was I was very Worldly for my age, not just Wordy. However, my worldly knowledge was only preparing me to be abused, not how to protect myself from abuse or even how to stop it.

So, yet again we were compelled to move, and again go to a different school. The most times I can recall changing schools, while in my mothers care, during one year was three times. You can imagine the stress and impact this had on my schooling, coupled with all the abuse in the home.

However, I digress. Back to my little sister, apparently, she got a hold of some matches and made a little fire of my books, when it caught hold and got out of control she ran to my closet!! It is imperative that parents teach their children not only about fire hazards, but fire safety as well, which my mother failed to do with us. By the time my mother realized what was happening the stairs were on fire and the fire men, who had been called by a neighbor who saw the smoke, had to coax our little sister to jump down the stairs balcony. The stairs was totally impassable. This was according to what my Mother told me. I was so frantic with worry, however, our little sister was fine Thank the Grace of God. It could have ended on such a tragic note.

I was also recalling how our Uncle was in and out of our lives at the time. Well one of them was. I just remember him stabbing his girl friend in the eye with a butter knife, I was just thinking, the male influences in our lives were so very violent towards women. it feels important to me to mention this because, further on in our life this influence becomes extremely apparent in our lives.

Another thing that our mother did was go to the bar a lot. Sometimes if the man she was going with had transportation , she would pile us kids in and park us outside the bar. I hated this as people would stop and stare at us like we were some kind of oddity to be gawked at. Sometimes, a nice stranger would bring us pop and chips. We had no idea how dangerous it was to be rolling down the window to accept the goodies. We were so young, and our mom never taught us about the dangers of talking to strangers. She actually encouraged it, we were so vulnerable, and ill prepared for the wide world. We were so hungry and thirsty, thoughts of danger never even crossed my mind. If it did it was so fleeting, as to be a unheard whisper of alarm.

When I look back at this time chills go down my spine. At the time our youngest sister who was named Tanya, gave our mother quite the scare. It really was the only time I really seen her scared. I came home from school and her first question was were is Tanya. I said she is coming. My mom flew into a rage and said don’t you know there was a little girl named Tanya that was abducted? She was wearing a blue coat just like your sister! It never occurred to me to ask mom why she didn’t call the school to see if our little sister was ok.

Authorities are still seeking answers to this tragic and heartbreaking case. I was so young, but she was my first understanding that danger was everywhere, and hardly a day goes by that I do not think of this little girl. The resemblance to my youngest sister is uncanny, all except their eye colour is different.

Tania Murrell was 6 years old when she went missing on January 20^th, 1983, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Tania has brown eyes, blonde hair, pierced ears, and a birthmark in the middle of her forehead in the hairline. 

Tania left her school at 11:15 a.m. to go home to meet her Aunt Vera for lunch and only her brother arrived. This was the last time she was seen by anyone. 

If Tania is alive today, she would be 42 years old.

An age enhanced photo of Tania, if any one has information about this case, please contact the authorities. My sister and I pray that this young child can be vindicated and find peace.

Just to let you know, I speak with my sister every day about our Blog and the people that read it. Although we do not know you personally, we consider you friends and kindred spirits.The family that reads our Blog, well we count you as family lol go figure. Tyra shared, her memories of the early years which we vague at best, which is understandable, since she was so very young. So we will be carrying on with the next segment of our lives which begins at the seven to ten range, and beyond. Just a forewarning some of the descriptions and topic we cover are distressing and may trigger some individuals. The next segment will probably be started by my lovely sister, time permitting, she is so busy being a nurse. If not we will be sure to try to keep new material available to you as we can. thank you again for reading and there by supporting us. Please feel free to ask questions or leave comments.

Tammy:

Before we leave this segment, I would like to share a bit more about the early years. Since our mother moved so much it is difficult to remember all the places we lived. This particular apartment that we lived in we , did not stay long, you are about to find out why shortly.

My sister Tyra, and I came home from school to find the walls blackened and the stove black with soot. The pungent smell of burned carpet and other house hold item’s was strong in the air. My mother was asleep on the couch, but woke up when we came in . I said “Mom!” “What happened?!” She replied, “Your little sister burned up your room.”

As I stated earlier I was an avid reader and had piles of books under my bed, ranging from newspapers, comics, and paper backs. Anything I could get my hands on to read, I would devour it word for word, sometimes two or three times. I mean anything my mother would read, I would be reading by the age of nine. I had a very extensive vocabulary for my age, however I lacked social skills, so only rarely spoke to Children my age. Adults, would say I was very articulate for my age. What they didn’t know was I was very Worldly for my age, not just Wordy. However, my worldly knowledge was only preparing me to be abused, not how to protect myself from abuse or even how to stop it.

So, yet again we were compelled to move, and again go to a different school. The most times I can recall changing schools, while in my mothers care, during one year was three times. You can imagine the stress and impact this had on my schooling, coupled with all the abuse in the home.

However, I digress. Back to my little sister, apparently, she got a hold of some matches and made a little fire of my books, when it caught hold and got out of control she ran to my closet!! It is imperative that parents teach their children not only about fire hazards, but fire safety as well, which my mother failed to do with us. By the time my mother realized what was happening the stairs were on fire and the fire men, who had been called by a neighbor who saw the smoke, had to coax our little sister to jump down the stairs balcony. The stairs was totally impassable. This was according to what my Mother told me. I was so frantic with worry, however, our little sister was fine Thank the Grace of God. It could have ended on such a tragic note.

I was also recalling how our Uncle was in and out of our lives at the time. Well one of them was. I just remember him stabbing his girl friend in the eye with a butter knife, I was just thinking, the male influences in our lives were so very violent towards women. it feels important to me to mention this because, further on in our life this influence becomes extremely apparent in our lives.

Another thing that our mother did was go to the bar a lot. Sometimes if the man she was going with had transportation , she would pile us kids in and park us outside the bar. I hated this as people would stop and stare at us like we were some kind of oddity to be gawked at. Sometimes, a nice stranger would bring us pop and chips. We had no idea how dangerous it was to be rolling down the window to accept the goodies. We were so young, and our mom never taught us about the dangers of talking to strangers. She actually encouraged it, we were so vulnerable, and ill prepared for the wide world. We were so hungry and thirsty, thoughts of danger never even crossed my mind. If it did it was so fleeting, as to be a unheard whisper of alarm.

When I look back at this time chills go down my spine. At the time our youngest sister who was named Tanya, gave our mother quite the scare. It really was the only time I really seen her scared. I came home from school and her first question was were is Tanya. I said she is coming. My mom flew into a rage and said don’t you know there was a little girl named Tanya that was abducted? She was wearing a blue coat just like your sister! It never occurred to me to ask mom why she didn’t call the school to see if our little sister was ok.

Authorities are still seeking answers to this tragic and heartbreaking case. I was so young, but she was my first understanding that danger was everywhere, and hardly a day goes by that I do not think of this little girl. The resemblance to my youngest sister is uncanny, all except their eye colour is different.

Tania Murrell was 6 years old when she went missing on January 20^th, 1983, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Tania has brown eyes, blonde hair, pierced ears, and a birthmark in the middle of her forehead in the hairline. 

Tania left her school at 11:15 a.m. to go home to meet her Aunt Vera for lunch and only her brother arrived. This was the last time she was seen by anyone. 

If Tania is alive today, she would be 42 years old.

An age enhanced photo of Tania, if any one has information about this case, please contact the authorities. My sister and I pray that this young child can be vindicated and find peace.

Just to let you know, I speak with my sister every day about our Blog and the people that read it. Although we do not know you personally, we consider you friends and kindred spirits.The family that reads our Blog, well we count you as family lol go figure. Tyra shared, her memories of the early years which we vague at best, which is understandable, since she was so very young. So we will be carrying on with the next segment of our lives which begins at the seven to ten range, and beyond. Just a forewarning some of the descriptions and topic we cover are distressing and may trigger some individuals. The next segment will probably be started by my lovely sister, time permitting, she is so busy being a nurse. If not we will be sure to try to keep new material available to you as we can. thank you again for reading and there by supporting us. Please feel free to ask questions or leave comments.

Tammy:

Edmonton, Alberta.

I am afraid, as can happen sometimes, that we jumped a head a bit, so bare with us as I take us back to when the last sibling was born, as there is some important situations that happened that shaped us to be come who we all are today.

Our little brother was still an infant, when mom went in the hospital with what they call a nervous break down. In actuality, My sister firmly believes that our mother was suffering from postpartum depression. I believe this is the case and this fact would be compounded by that our mother was suffering from sever mental illness, they called it manic depressant back in her day. I do believe they call it Bio-Polar disorder now a days. Coupled with the fact that she was a acute alcoholic and was abusing her prescription drugs, she was hell bent for disaster. I guess for her this meant a trip to the hospital. I sometimes wonder if what had already transpired with the sexual abuse and physical abuse also, contributed to her depression. Maybe I am just wishful thinking,that she felt any remorse at all.

The youngest child just being a helpless infant makes this retelling of events all the more painful, due to the fact that being children our selves we were helpless to help our little baby brother. Since our Mother had been admitted to a hospital we were assigned a home maker. Some one who would live with us and take on parental duties until such a time our mother was able to cope with raising us.

Since by this time Tyra and I were in school, and our little sister was in preschool, that poor baby was entrusted to the care of a stranger. I remember what she looked like. She had shoulder length curly hair, blonde in color. She wore those big rounded glasses that were so fashionable back in the day. She was fairly tall, and lean. She seemed pretty fit. She seemed to be between the age of 23 or 26 leaning more towards the middle.

She seemed to be a fairly cheerful person, and was fun to be with, however, as a homemaker she was sadly lacking, and her interests did not lay with caring for four traumatized children. Raising children is already difficult, rewarding , but difficult. Add the behaviors of traumatized children for someone expected to care for them with out the necessary training or skills, well I am sure it was a nightmare for her too.

The first incident that sent of warning bells for me is that every time I came home from school, I would always have to go up to my little brothers room to check on him. Never was he already up and waiting for us… it made me question whether she was interacting with him beyond the most basic needs he had. Horrifying to think this child was being neglected by a paid care giver, but it happens all to often. The second thing that happened was when I came home from school and went up stairs as usual to check on my little brother, he was laying on a sheet that was over top a dirty sheet, like what the hell?! who puts a clean sheet over a dirty one? That is laziness in the extreme. I can not in good conscience give it a pass saying she was not aware, because I am sure she did not make her bed like that at home! I confronted her about it, and she apologized and said she would do better.

Now whether she was angry and was maliciously punishing my little brother to get to me or not I do not know. However, the next incident was a few days later,and I came home to find my little brother laying on his tummy on a plastic covering, nothing else!! Just a plastic sheet over the baby mattress. I was shocked, hurt, and very angry! I confronted her again!! This is not acceptable at all! Even, I who was by no means old enough to be a mother knew this was wrong and very dangerous to do! She apologized and said she would make his bed properly. What the heck was wrong with this woman’s mind, that she had to have a child holding the adult accountable?! I had a very difficult time standing up for my self, but when it came to my siblings, that was an entirely different matter.

The last and final indecent was the most horrific to me. I again came home from school and as was now my habit to drop my books by the door, I wasn’t going to do my homework any way, I was so exhausted all the time. I headed up the stairs to my little brothers room, he was always such a quiet baby.

The platform the baby mattress was on became unhinged on the end and had come down on a angle, and there was my infant brother trapped between the platform and mattress and the crib!!!! Oh My God! How long had he been like this!!The only way I could reach him was to climb into the crib, praying I would not cause even more distress or break the platform all together, inadvertently hurting my little brother. I was in such a panic I didn’t even think to call that woman for help!!! I was able to rescue him safely. He was unhurt as far as I could tell.

Now I was just livid!!! I told that woman in no uncertain terms that she is to call her employer and request a transfer as she was no longer welcome in our home to care for us. I also spoke to our social worker and told her what happened. I am of the mind that the social worker told mom, because mom came home after that. the care of the little ones was left to me more and more, and my schooling became a nightmare for me, as I will describe in later posts.

My greatest joy was playing with the little ones. We would pretend to be dancers and I would swing them around like they did on the tv. We also, had a game I called bucking bronco lol. I would lay flat on my back and bring my knees up to make a platform, sometimes I would put a pillow on there because they had bony buts LOL. One child would sit on my knee’s and I held their feet and levered my legs up and down like a wild bronco. They loved that game, and so did I. When our Youngest brother was old enough to play you can be sure he was in line for his turn.

Another game We played was called elevator. They would sit on my feet, while I held theirs and I would raise them up and down like an elevator, sometimes shouting oh no the elevator is broken, pretending to drop them only to catch them with my feet again lol. they would laugh so much, was a beautiful sound to me. There really wasn’t much laughter so when there was I basked in the sound.

“A child’s laughter is as close as we will get to the sound of angels, until we go to our home in the heavens”. Tammy 2019

Please share your thoughts and views with us, it is important to us to share with you, what you are comfortable sharing.

Tammy:

Edmonton, Alberta.

I am afraid, as can happen sometimes, that we jumped a head a bit, so bear with us as I take us back to when the last sibling was born, as there is some important situations that happened that shaped us to be come who we all are today.

Our little brother was still an infant, when mom went in the hospital with what they call a nervous break down. In actuality, My sister firmly believes that our mother was suffering from postpartum depression. I believe this is the case and this fact would be compounded by that our mother was suffering from sever mental illness, they called it manic depressant back in her day. I do believe they call it Bio-Polar disorder now a days. Coupled with the fact that she was a acute alcoholic and was abusing her prescription drugs, she was hell bent for disaster. I guess for her this meant a trip to the hospital. I sometimes wonder if what had already transpired with the sexual abuse and physical abuse also, contributed to her depression. Maybe I am just wishful thinking,that she felt any remorse at all.

The youngest child just being a helpless infant makes this retelling of events all the more painful, due to the fact that being children our selves we were helpless to help our little baby brother. Since our Mother had been admitted to a hospital we were assigned a home maker. Some one who would live with us and take on parental duties until such a time our mother was able to cope with raising us.

Since by this time Tyra and I were in school, and our little sister was in preschool, that poor baby was entrusted to the care of a stranger. I remember what she looked like. She had shoulder length curly hair, blonde in color. She wore those big rounded glasses that were so fashionable back in the day. She was fairly tall, and lean. She seemed pretty fit. She seemed to be between the age of 23 or 26 leaning more towards the middle.

She seemed to be a fairly cheerful person, and was fun to be with, however, as a homemaker she was sadly lacking, and her interests did not lay with caring for four traumatized children. Raising children is already difficult, rewarding , but difficult. Add the behaviors of traumatized children for someone expected to care for them with out the necessary training or skills, well I am sure it was a nightmare for her too.

The first incident that sent of warning bells for me is that every time I came home from school, I would always have to go up to my little brothers room to check on him. Never was he already up and waiting for us… it made me question whether she was interacting with him beyond the most basic needs he had. Horrifying to think this child was being neglected by a paid care giver, but it happens all to often. The second thing that happened was when I came home from school and went up stairs as usual to check on my little brother, he was laying on a sheet that was over top a dirty sheet, like what the hell?! who puts a clean sheet over a dirty one? That is laziness in the extreme. I can not in good conscience give it a pass saying she was not aware, because I am sure she did not make her bed like that at home! I confronted her about it, and she apologized and said she would do better.

Now whether she was angry and was maliciously punishing my little brother to get to me or not I do not know. However, the next incident was a few days later,and I came home to find my little brother laying on his tummy on a plastic covering, nothing else!! Just a plastic sheet over the baby mattress. I was shocked, hurt, and very angry! I confronted her again!! This is not acceptable at all! Even, I who was by no means old enough to be a mother knew this was wrong and very dangerous to do! She apologized and said she would make his bed properly. What the heck was wrong with this woman’s mind, that she had to have a child holding the adult accountable?! I had a very difficult time standing up for my self, but when it came to my siblings, that was an entirely different matter.

The last and final indecent was the most horrific to me. I again came home from school and as was now my habit to drop my books by the door, I wasn’t going to do my homework any way, I was so exhausted all the time. I headed up the stairs to my little brothers room, he was always such a quiet baby.

The platform the baby mattress was on became unhinged on the end and had come down on a angle, and there was my infant brother trapped between the platform and mattress and the crib!!!! Oh My God! How long had he been like this!!The only way I could reach him was to climb into the crib, praying I would not cause even more distress or break the platform all together, inadvertently hurting my little brother. I was in such a panic I didn’t even think to call that woman for help!!! I was able to rescue him safely. He was unhurt as far as I could tell.

Now I was just livid!!! I told that woman in no uncertain terms that she is to call her employer and request a transfer as she was no longer welcome in our home to care for us. I also spoke to our social worker and told her what happened. I am of the mind that the social worker told mom, because mom came home after that. the care of the little ones was left to me more and more, and my schooling became a nightmare for me, as I will describe in later posts.

My greatest joy was playing with the little ones. We would pretend to be dancers and I would swing them around like they did on the tv. We also, had a game I called bucking bronco lol. I would lay flat on my back and bring my knees up to make a platform, sometimes I would put a pillow on there because they had bony buts LOL. One child would sit on my knee’s and I held their feet and levered my legs up and down like a wild bronco. They loved that game, and so did I. When our Youngest brother was old enough to play you can be sure he was in line for his turn.

Another game We played was called elevator. They would sit on my feet, while I held theirs and I would raise them up and down like an elevator, sometimes shouting oh no the elevator is broken, pretending to drop them only to catch them with my feet again lol. they would laugh so much, was a beautiful sound to me. There really wasn’t much laughter so when there was I basked in the sound.

“A child’s laughter is as close as we will get to the sound of angels, until we go to our home in the heavens”. Tammy 2019

Please share your thoughts and views with us, it is important to us to share with you, what you are comfortable sharing.