Beginning a new relationship is exciting, learning the individual, the past, and wants for the future. During this time I was working on the relationship so hard that I was not seeing the signs of dysfunction. Everytime someone would say I was his girlfriend he would say I was not his girlfriend, I did not understand why he would say that. I just thought that it was a joke, and that he did consider me as his girlfriend. Until one day he would not call me his girlfriend, and broke up with me and said that “he did not want a relationship with me”. This broke my heart, as I was under the impression that we were doing well in the relationship.

After the break up I was contemplating leaving once more. Planning to move back to the city to be with my friends and people that cared about me. I am not sure what kept me where I was, I just could not find the courage to say it just did not work out. Living in the area that I always said was my safe haven, made me feel like I was at home. All I had to do is focus on me, is all I thought. Focus on what you may be asking well I needed to focus on what was important to me and just go with it. And that is exactly what I did…

I knew then that I needed to talk to my father, and ask some serious questions to be able to let it go. This one day I decided that it was time to confront the situation. I drove for an hour to his house all the time thinking about how this may work out for me. I thought that he would not want to have anything to do with me anymore, then I thought well if that is the outcome of the visit did I really lose anything from it? Then I thought maybe he would be loving and accepting, and I needed to make a decision on how much I wanted him in my life. Also, how will I handle the woman that abused me for the time that I did live with him.

Sitting at the kitchen table the talk was just small talk, about the weather, how life was treating us, and about moving to my safe haven area. Then the deep conversation came and boy did it get deep. I asked why he blamed me for the breakup of his marriage, as I could not break up a good marriage even if I tried to. All I ever wanted was a loving family and that meant a mother and father, not just a father. He did not know what to say to me over my comments and I told him that it just was not fair to blame a 13 year old child for the short comings of the relationship. Then came the profound question “what did I do to you to make you not love me?”. I do not think any parent would want to hear that kind of question but that is exactly the way I felt. I felt that I did something terribly wrong and that is why I was treated so badly. He did not have a answer except “I do love you and you did nothing wrong”, but to me it did not explain why he did not believe me when I would tell him what was happening when he was gone to work. I proceeded by telling him what life was really like for a 13 year old girl that thought her father would save her from the life of abuse. Instead he followed the same pattern I was living all those years and he did not even know what he was doing to a 13 year old girl. He had tears rolling down his face with regret for making me feel the way I did. Then the conversation went on to how we would have a relationship from that point on, I just said that I would have a relationship with him but not with the woman that did me wrong. I felt like I deserved a apology for the abuse that I endured at her hands. I knew deep down that the apology would not come from her and any chance she could do something to hurt me she would. I left my fathers house lighter getting all the feelings off my chest, it was a good feeling, a feeling that I could live with the answers that I received.

Driving back home that day I just dreamt of a beautiful relationship, thinking “will he follow through on the conversation? how will life be with him in my life? how much time should I spend with him? These were the questions that ran through my mind. I guess only time would tell how things would work out is how I answered myself.

A month went by and the man that broke my heart came back into my life, asking if I would be his girlfriend and be with him. Of course I said yes, and another new beginning begun.

Although I had graduated the social work class, and became a registered social worker, the extent of my past traumas was far reaching and deeply ingrained into my mind. Unbeknownst to me the trauma I suffered and endured as a child, teen and young adult had resulted in PTSD. A traumatic brain injury that I could not possibly intellectualize my way out of. I was told by certain class mates that I tended to be very analytical, if they only knew how much I really felt. However, I was hired at the women’s shelter and I could not have been more proud of my accomplishment.

I felt that I made it. I was a bona fide registered Social Worker and a certified crisis intervention worker. I thought to myself that surely now I would gain the confidence and composure I needed to work with Women and children in crisis… right, I had all the knowledge and credentials. I even had life experience with extreme abuse. I failed to realize, however, that a couple years of study would not undo the damage that was done to my broken mind and soul. I was determined to be a Social Worker though and if baby steps got me there then so be it.

I was so awkward around people. In fact it was not just awkwardness I was actually afraid of people. Anthropophobia is the fear of people. I had been so badly abused and used by people who should have been my safe persons, how could I possibly not be afraid of people I did not know. I had been shunted from foster home to foster home to group home to group home to institution so much that there was nothing safe in my world, yet I had to find a way to function in it, with out the coping mechanisms that I had used for so many years. I honestly did not realize how pervasive and far reaching the damage done to my psyche was. I also did not realize that I was not going to grow out of it, past it , or through it. I was mentally ill and was suffering with Severe PTSD. For me suffering was my normal so how was I to know that I was mentally ill? That I was the broken one and I needed help and support too? That I needed healing.

Do you recall the phrase to smart for their own good? That was me, I could rationalize, intellectualize and just plain old pull the wool over the eyes of whom ever I needed to, to present a fictional healthy functional individual. That was me. However, on the inside I was terrified, unable to establish healthy boundaries, which made me extremely vulnerable. I was beaten and sexually traumatized so much that I was incapable of defending my self. That was the stark reality of my world I was a vulnerable mentally ill young woman, who was to smart for her own good. I suppose for those that have not been conditioned to sexual,physical and emotional abuse it is very difficult to understand how this could happen. Please just let me say it does, it did and it continues to happen to children all over the world hourly.

You may be asking how did I cope with all those women and children who were in crisis. How did I handle myself around my co workers? Well the short answer is I made my self so busy cleaning the shelter that I didn’t have time to help the women and children in crisis. It was not fair, nor was it right, it was just a coping mechanism I implemented for my self to cope with the inner turmoil and chaotic stress I was feeling. It was a way of refocusing my anxiety on a task I was comfortable doing. It was not fair to the women and children in crisis, nor was it very professional. I was actively avoiding doing my crisis intervention duties by making my self unavailable by cleaning. It was so bad that I would clean the vents with an old toothbrush, saying to my self the dust and lint must be cleaned off so we do not breath it in…there was no dust or lint but I would swear to you up and down that there was before I cleaned it so thoroughly. Gratefully, this only went on for a couple of months.

One day I got up to get ready for work and said to my self enough is enough. Face what you fear with courage and composure and get on with what you are supposed to be doing. Which of course was counselling, advocating and supporting women and children in crisis, not cleaning base boards that were already pristine. I was shaking in my boots, today was the day I was going to put my self up front and center. A place I avoided at all costs. Today and every day there after I was going to do my job and help these women and children. I was absolutely terrified. I had tools and skills to help though and slowly I gained confidence in my ability to help those in need. For the first time in my life I was willingly being vulnerable and giving, and I was not getting hurt, terrorized or molested. I used all my new skills taught to me by my training, and reached back into my own personal repertoire of pain and suffering to become the best social worker I was capable of being. I advocated for these women and children fiercely. I felt such a strong kinship with them, I really wanted them to succeed and meet what ever goals they set for them selves. Most of all I didn’t want them to suffer any more. I wanted them to feel at peace and safe. Dare I say I wanted them to feel the joy of being alive and free from the brutality of victimization.

I began researching material for a 21 day program, which is the length of stay women and children can stay at the shelter, without an extension. My personal view of this is, 21 days is not enough time to get to a place were you can cope with rebuilding your life after abuse. However, I had to work within the confines of shelter and government policy and protocols. Having spent about four months researching a 21 day program, I began to hold two hour group sessions nightly. This I did for the women as the children had their own program coordinator. The 21 day group program was a success. The next step was to begin individual case plans to address issues and needs of the individual women in our care. This could be anything from advocating for them to get their children back, a very difficult endeavor, as if a woman flees with out her children the courts deem she has in effect abandoned them. In order for me to advocate women getting custody of their children back from their abuser, I had to overcome my fear of authority figures. I managed to do this and successfully was able to help those women who left their children behind get their children back. The amount of work, collaborating with agencies and courts and police was sometimes overwhelming for one person. However, it was imperative I do this work because I too was an authority figure and the only one willing to help her try. It was my job to show the courts why the children were better of with their mother and not the abusive father.It was a difficult undertaking but after a week or little more child welfare would be bringing the children back, and the woman would begin custody proceedings at my urging.

Another prevalent issue abused women contended with was addictions. I utilized all my personal experience and local 12 step groups to help these women begin addressing their addiction issues, and hopefully build a support network for themselves. Addictions are a coping mechanism that they lost control of. In order to begin addressing the addiction issue it was no only imperative that they detoxify, and begin a program of recovery, I also needed to help them implement new coping mechanisms. One does not have to be an addict to know how difficult and challenging change can be.

Most of the women that came to the shelter had sever mental and emotional disorders, which also had to be addressed. Unfortunately addressing a lot of these issues fell to me as a lot of our staff were ill prepared and lacked training to even begin to try to address, the issues, or steer the women to the appropriate resources. This became very clear to me when a Staff member got hit by a woman for trying to strong arm a woman into sharing her problems with her. The woman was not comfortable talking to this particular staff member and felt threatened, when the staff member pursued the woman to her safe space, her room, the woman lashed out and hit the staff member. There was also incidents were I was working with child welfare, because a mother was abusive to her child. A staff member would confront the woman and they would flee. Undoing all my work to be non judgmental while prioritizing the child’s safety and well being.

To be brutally honest children really freaked me out. I was torn from my siblings so much that I never bonded with small children, to a point were I was comfortable with them. They were like little aliens to me. Sadly or not, children loved me. They would swarm me when I went into work jostling each other for my attention. The little girls especially would drive their mothers to distraction, changing their dresses over and over to find just the right one. The reason they would do this is I would wear either a skirt or a dress to work, and they wanted to emulate me! I was understandably flattered. The little girls would line up to show me the dress they picked out for the day. I would tell them how smart and pretty they looked all ready to face the work day. They would then get their paper an magazines and work on a collage on the office floor, building their dream house. That was their work day task, while I worked on files. Another phenomenon happened, by happen stance albeit but still it happened. I struggled to speak child. I was incapable of talking like they did with short easy words. So you know what they did? They adapted to me, and began asking me what such and such a word meant, then they would begin using those new learned words. Their mothers were baffled as to how and were they were learning such large words. After talking to me a while they soon figured it out. Their teachers were amazed and impressed at the extensiveness of their pupils vocabulary. This made me realize how quick children are to learn and they impressed me too! They taught me something as well, they taught me it is ok to be silly once in a while, and to just be loud for the joy of being loud. They taught this broken down angel how to play for the first time in her life. I will never be able to thank those little angels for their guidance and imparted wisdom, but I certainly can cherish the memories. Playing is a learned skill, and they taught me that skill. I became very good at it and sometimes i’m loud just for the joy of being loud.

I gave all I had to the shelter for ten years of my life, and I skidded headlong into my own crisis. I developed nervous ticks, constant anxiety, an nightmares. I lost my appetite and my sleep patterns were reverting back to the night life pattern. The fact that the new man I was partnered with wanted me to quit working there and made no bones about it exacerbated the problem. By working with the very women and children I grew to love I was systematically abusing my self by vicariously traumatizing myself. My own unresolved issues were surfacing with a vengeance. I was to fall into a depression so sever,that lasted years without treatment, I never fully recovered from it. The loss of a career I loved with a desperation almost killed me. However, I knew in my heart no matter how badly I wanted to do it, it was not healthy for me or fair to the women and children to only get a small part of me. I was not functioning as whole individual. I incapable of being whole, when I really didn’t know what pieces were missing. With that my friends, I leave you now, while I recall the happy times I had at the shelter. Till next time stay safe, stay happy and know you are loved.

The day came where I made the decision to move out of the city. I knew it was time to start my life for myself not worrying about what my siblings were doing or how they will survive without me there for them. my whole life was surrounded around keeping them safe and happy. Now I want to leave the situation again when we are adults. I just wondered how will it all turn out. I worried about my decision knowing it could cause strain on our relationship, but there was this feeling deep inside that said it was time to let go of all the past ties and begin new ones. Being a person who wants to have control over at least some part of my life, leaving for the unknown was quite difficult.

This one day while visiting my younger sister I decided to start a conversation about leaving and the feeling I was having about moving away. I continued the conversation with the statement that I was feeling guilty about my financial status and that they were insecure in that way. All she said to me was “we chose our path in life Tyra, and you do not need to feel guilty about anything”. This guilt plagued me for years till I had the courage to discuss it with her. I told her how I worried about how life would be for them without having the security in a job that could provide for them, she said “I wanted to have children and you wanted a career, you have your career and I have my children” I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said “thank you” as I took her answer as permission to move on with my life.

The next step was breaking the tie to my ex boyfriend. we were together for ten and half years I had respect for him to let him know that I would no longer be in the city. Then one day I get a phone call from him and he said “come home please, just come home”, I just said that I could not. He hung the phone angry at me and I knew deep in my soul that I had made the right decision.

Moving day came and I had to get my aunt to come and pull the trailer for me. I just could not wrap my head around driving through the city with a trailer behind me. I was so grateful for her coming to get me. the drive to my new home was long but worth the drive. I knew that my life was going to start over once again.

Well I started out alone but then I meet this guy. I did not know what I was getting into but I was after just some fun and fun we had. The days that I did not work I wanted to go see things like they used to be, I learnt really fast that they would never be the same as they were when I was a child. Being in my new environment, and it being the safe haven that it used to be was no longer. I had to realize that all the people that made it a safe haven were no longer around to provide the environment that I so craved.

After a few months of being where I felt like I needed to be I begun to get lonely wanting my friends and family back in the city. I struggled with the decision of staying or leaving once again to a place I knew would only bring me down. During these months I relied on a man that was just as broken if not more than me for the love and comfort that I so desired. I became pregnant a dream come true, then it ended in a miscarriage I was devastated. I just pushed my way to work even more trying to hide the pain that I was suffering. Then the second pregnancy came along and I was more cautious not wanting to do anything to cause a miscarriage. It was on my way to see and obstetrician that the second one was lost. the second one was more painful emotionally than the first one as I just could only blame myself for the problem of staying pregnant. People around me tried to tell me that it was not my fault but deep down I still thought that I did something extremely wrong where I had to be punished even more.

This man and the pregnancy’s happened for a reason. I realized what I did not want in a relationship and what I dreamed of for my life with a man. I did think that this man was the one or I would not have spent so much time with him and helping him with his issues so we could move ahead in life. The reason why it did not work is about having a dysfunctional relationship, the only relationship I was used to from a very young age. This man would do drugs and not want to work. I was always against drugs due to my mother overdosing on them and dying. It was a constant struggle for me trying to see things from his point of view in regards to them. Then came a day when a man was at the door step and I just could not believe my eyes and the feelings that I felt that day. I knew this man from when we were teenagers. I just saw him and it was fireworks we both felt it. It was like a epiphany and I knew that was the man I was going to marry. all I kept thinking was how I would get out of the house without showing I had this feeling without being obvious to my then partner. Thank goodness I had a reason for leaving as I was heading to work, and that was my excuse. I knew that day that I had finally met the man and the relationship I was in was over. The relationship with this man did not last due to irreconcilable differences, and lack of maturity on his part. This is when I started believing everything happens for a reason.

I was alone for awhile and contemplated moving back to the city to be with my support system, but still did could not bring myself to move back. Then one day this man came back into my life. I started talking with him and learning about his dreams and hopes. We would talk for hours just about anything and everything. About the past and about the future. New Journey begins.

Living on my own was really lonely so I just worked as much as possible to take my mind off of my life situation. Then one day after I was drinking I past out at my younger sisters place and she found a bald spot on my head. I remember this really clear, I said “your joking right” and she said “No, Tyra there is a bald spot” and she took my fingers and guided them the the spot. I did not know what to think, I went to the doctors to see what was happening to me. All that was said was I had alopecia ariata and I may stop losing my hair or it could continue.

During the next months I had lost so much hair that I asked my manager at work if I could wear a cap to work to cover the areas, she said it was ok. This caused distention in the unit as it was not part of our uniform, I had to deal with people asking why I was wearing a cap and that just seemed as painful to relive it over and over again. The manager of the unit attempted to rep remand me for wearing the hat at the time until I took it off and then she apologized for the error in judgement.

The hair loss continued for the next months and I had lost 3/4 of my hair and decided to shave my head as it just was not looking nice, all straggly and whispy. I was so vain of my hair that while I was losing it I had a container on the toilet cover that I would put my hair into, why I did this I still do not know. It gave me comfort I think as it was still in my presence, and could see it no matter what.

Nursing is a stressful field and it may have been the stress of my job or it could have been the life changes that I was supposed to make. That is like asking did the egg come before the chicken. When I was told that it was probably because of stress I just said “my life was full of stress and it did not affect me like this”, the doctor did not know what to say to my statement, but “in my experience it has a lot to do with the disease and you need to lesten the stress you are under”. During the same time I was on steroids to see if it would help with the inflammation in the follicles but it did not it just continued to fall out at an alarming rate. I just thought thank goodness I am bald so it really did not matter anymore.

This one day I was looking in the mirror and noticed that I could see my cheek bones, it made my day as I was losing some weight. Then I realized that from taking the steroids i had developed a moon face from it. I was in shock as I did not see it when I looked in the mirror. I just said to my co-workers “did I have a moon face” they said with a sigh “yes you did but we did not have the heart to tell you, you were going through so much already, you did not need to deal with that too”. I just chuckled under my breath and said “thanks for not telling me I do not think it would have made me too happy”, with a giggle.

The day came where I wanted to see if I could wear a wig. So I went shopping with my younger sister and tried some of them on, I just could not see myself in one of them. the roughness of them on my bald head was too much to bare. I left the store with tears running down my face, my sister tried to comfort me, but there just was nothing that she could say to me to make me feel better. I drove back to my sisters place with the tears continuing down my cheek, I just could not find a way to make myself feel better.

During this time I begun drinking on my days off. It seemed like it was more often then not. I did not realize what I was doing, just thought that it was fun. Then this one day I can remember clearly is I got the shakes from coming down from being drunk, and went and drank again and the shakes left me. I knew at this point either I was going to continue to drink all the time to drown my s0rrows or I would quit drinking and have a productive life. That feeling I felt when my mom would get drunk and I would say to myself “I don’t want to be like that when I am older” came to my mind. I took a good look at myself and what I was doing and decided that it was time to make a move. This is when I decided that I had to move from the city or I would be in trouble, addiction was in my genes and I did not want to go that route in life.

I am so sorry I was gone so long family and friends. Just a little bit about what was happening to me. As you know i suffer from PTSD and mental disabilities that are probably not diagnosed. Depression is a huge factor in my life, and unfortunately when I spiral I spiral fast and hard. I see my hopes and dreams lying on the ground and I just don’t have the strength to pick them up right away, although I don’t stop trying. hence, why I have returned. I can’t say that I am fully ok, I am not even sure what ok means. I guess ok for me is writing to you all again and not sitting or rather laying in my room in the dark with the lights out. Geez just sharing that with you all makes me want to cry. i just want to send a huge thank you and much Love to my sister Tyra who called me every day and talked about the blog and encouraging me to start sharing again and to crotchet, which I love to do. not once did she berate me or shame me about my situation, she totally understood were I was at and she just extended a loving hand to try to raise me from my abyss. Thank you my sister I love you more than words can say!!!!

To all the people that read my story and relate, empathize or just try to understand, Thank you!!! You also were instrumental in bringing me back to a semblance of normalcy for me. I do not like surviving this way, it is painful, and heartbreaking, but I have moments even days were I am grateful to be alive. I also want to thank my Dog buddy who stays with me 24 seven and gives me comfort and and a life line to climb when I am ready. Just a note this is a draft and we have much editing and adding to do to previously written material. It is astounding how many memories start coming back when you start to talk, share and think about your life.

I know I was gone a very long time and much happened in the time that I was gone. I am not sure if you all want me to continue on were I left off or would you like to more about what happened to me while I was gone? I will live it up to you my friends as I will talk about it either now or later , depending on which road you want to travel with me. forewarning, while I was in my own dark place I was off my med so some of what I share is disturbing and dark, mental illness is disturbing and dark. I wait for some feed back on what you want to read first my long struggle with my mental illness episode or about my social work career. If it is about what happened while I was gone and not writing, that is fine. personally I would want to know what happened while I was gone.

Just want to clarify gone means gone into my head which for me is a very dangerous place to be, as you will read if that is what you want to hear about first. any way I am rambling, it feels good to be back and I wait for you to say what you prefer to hear about first my social work or the long episode and struggles I was having for actually the last couple of years. The events are over a period of time. I am back and Glad to be Back!

As you may have noticed I have not been writing much these days. That does not mean that there is nothing to say, just that I don’t know how to say what I need to say. I find that interesting. I wanted to continue the blog for others benefit not my own. I do believe I have left off at the nursing school and the first time that I was made aware that I had blacked out. That was a changing point in my life. I did not realize it then but looking back I needed to know the consequences of being abused the way I was.

I took the instructors advise and sought out help with my mental health. During one of my visits I found out that I had multiple personalities. These personalities would come out during different times. I had a personality that if I was being attacked verbally or physically would come out to protect me. I did not know when they would show up it would be that I would just change without even knowing. This did cause issues in my life as people would not know what happened to me. I look back and there are several situations in my life that I do not know happened but I was there.

Back to the visit with the counselor, she was surprised that I had 4 personalities and wanted to know their names. At that time I did recall the name but today it is difficult as I had meshed them all together to make me who I am today. I guess if it is really important I could go to my old diaries and get the names but I do not think that is a important point to make. During the counseling sessions the counselor would ask me if I wanted to see a psychiatrist for the issues that I was having, I was so scared to be on any medication due to the addiction that our mother had to them. I was so scared that I would become just like her. I would rapidly state “No, they will put me on medication and I will be just like her”, speaking of our mother. The counselor would try and reassure me that the medications today will not cause that kind of addiction, I did not believe her. So I suffered for years dealing with the depression and anxiety.

Going through university was a good time for me as it took my mind off of the issues that plagued me during my life. Also, it taught me that I can be my own person with flaws. If you go through nursing school and do not change your outlook on life I feel you missed the point of nursing. I found it amazing watching the other students and the changes that they would go through, the only problem is I did not see the changes it made in me.

During nursing school I was in a long term relationship, and he would be the one that told me that I was changing. It is hard to see the changes in yourself but others pick up on it quickly. Then I started to pay closer attention to the person that I was and what I wanted from life and if it was the same for the man that I was with. Everything changed after graduation.

After graduation I was working and making more money than my partner, this made him insecure. We decided to buy a bigger home and we spent our time looking for new properties for us in the neighbourhoods that we wanted to live. We did not realize that we were taking away from the real issues of our relationship and how to get past them. We finally found a house that we liked and we bought it and moved. Moving was a chore as it was from one side of the city to the other.

During the time that we lived in the house our life had started the change. I was working shift work and he was working long hours at work and at his fathers business. We lost touch with each other. My birthday came and we had a tradition of spending it out at my aunts and uncles, but this year was different, he wanted to stay in the city. The day finally came and I asked if he was coming or staying in the city, he stated that he wanted to stay. I said ok and packed my bag and put it in the truck and continued on my way out of the city. While driving I wondered why he did not want to come with me, then it hit me like a rock, we are over. My stomach started to turn, I felt like vomiting and just about turned around due to the anxiety that I was suffering.

Spent the weekend with my aunt and uncle, then I was on my way home. I remember him sitting in the basement of our new place and he did not talk to me when I came in the house. I had to talk to him and ask what he wanted, he said that he wanted me to move out and dissolve our relationship. My feelings on the way out of the city were coming true. He said that he had found some one else and wanted to be with her. I stated that we both had changed and needed to go our separate ways. I cried myself to sleep several nights as I slept in the spare room, and he was in the master bedroom. It just felt wrong. I worked and saved my money and looked for an apartment to move to. Finally found a place where I used to live a bachelors apartment, just what I needed.

Have you ever been told to expect to change when you enter a program of study? Well I was never told that, but that is exactly what happened for me in my first year of nursing school. I think that is because, to become a good nurse you need to be self aware and understand where you stand in your own life. This was a real eye opener for me.

Waiting for my acceptance letter to come in was painful, and stressful. Then one day late in August 1994 I had planned to take my student loan back to the bank because I did not think that I had gotten into school. To my surprise I received a call from one of the instructors and they did a interview on the phone with me to see if they would like me to enter the program at Grant MacEwan College. I was ecstatic to finally hear something about the program that I wanted to get into. I still had to wait for them to call me and let me know that they would accept me into the program but I was just happy receiving a phone call for acknowledgement of my application.

September was coming really fast and the beginning of the school year. I was beginning to lose hope that I was going to school, then I received a call telling me that I had been accepted into the program and I had 5 days to get my life in order to go to school. I just could not believe that I had been accepted.

The first days of school I just did not feel like I fitted into the class. I just felt so different from the other class mates that I had. They all seemed to have their life all together and I was just on the road to discovery. I did make a friend the first couple of days, her name was Lori. We both seemed to fit together and make each other laugh and talk about life in the same terms.

A funny story that happened to us, we needed to get our CPR so we headed down to the course. We were having a good visit on the bus, then came the time to get off the bus, Lori was the first one off and a wind burst came up and dust was flying up in her face which blinded her and she ran into the bus shelter with her face squished against the clear plastic. It was just a loud thud you heard first then you saw the face flattened against the window. The look on her face was priceless she just did not know what hit her. She did not know how she ended up squished up against the window, she was so embarrassed because of the people on the bus saw what had happened to her. It took her a few minutes for her to orientate herself to what she was doing and where we were headed. We stood there for a few minutes just laughing at the situation that she had put herself into and then we went on our way to the class. The class went well and we passed the course and headed back home.

Having to look after sick individuals never really crossed my mind of what was involved. My first client that I had to look after was a older lady and she would use the bed pan to go to the bathroom. It would be a real test for me to empty the bed pad which I did not realize would be the breaking point for me. I went to take the bed pan away, the patient had defecated into the bed pan and I just about vomited from the smell. This reaction of almost vomiting from the smell shocked me and I was crying and told my teacher that I do not know if I have what it takes to do this kind of job. My teacher was a litterally perplexed with me as she did not understand where I was coming from. I just thought if this is how I am going to react with feces then this would not be the job for me. The instruction just said “we all go through these reactions in the beginning and you just need to put it behind you and try again.” Listening to my instructor I did exactly what she had said and I was successful. I knew what was happening and I was prepared for how I may react to the situation. I could not have been prouder of myself for not quitting at that point.

During nursing school you have a lot of group activities that you take part in. I remember this one project that I needed to do with a partner. We had made a jeopardy game of sexual transmitted diseases for the class to play. After the game was played the other students were able to critique the project. There was this one question that a student had asked that just made me see red. I literally saw red and do not remember what came out of my mouth. The only way I knew what had really happened was the instructor was videotaping the class and showed me the video after. I could not believe that I was so upset over a question about the game we put together. I knew I was sensitive but not that sensitive. The teacher asked “what happened?” all I could say was ” I saw red and did not have control over what I was saying, it just came out.” The teacher said that I should get some help with my emotions or they may get in the way of being successful in the program. This is the beginning of my journey in psychotherapy to find out my really issues from my childhood.

Tyra:

After graduating from high school I was lost, did not know what I should do. I kept thinking “what do I do now”. I thought of being a doctor but realized that my marks were not good enough to get into university, therefore upgrading is the next option. I applied to get in and got in to upgrade my marks. This was a wonderful time for me. I met a lot of nice people during my time in college. I had one year to do all the courses that I needed to do to get into university.

This brought me back to the “what you going to do with it now?” question that my father said to me when I graduated from high school. I needed to do something with my life, I couldn’t let him win at putting me down. So I proceeded to go to school and get better marks which did not work out the best for me. I had a lot of distractions while going to school, my boyfriend and I broke up again, I started drinking a lot, I did not have a home that I could go to and feel safe. I would live with a friend for awhile then we would move again, then I stayed with my cousin again. I thought this time it would be different but I was wrong.

I moved in cause I did not have anywhere else to move. I ran out of options. I knew that I needed to have a steady place to go and study so I could do better but my cousins insecurities overwhelmed her, as she thought that I was after her husband. This was not true at all. I just wanted to fit in and do well in school. Then the day came when she said that it was time for me to go once again when I was in a very bad spot. My aunt and uncle, who I adored emensly, were in for a visit when it all went down. I just said to my uncle “why does this keep happening to me? what did I do to deserve this?” all he could come up with “Tyra, this is a learning experience, life is one big learning experience and what you take from it is up to you.” All I could ask was “what am I supposed to learn? that I can not trust someone?” with tears running down my face. All he could say “you may never know what the lesson is, but there is a reason for everything I can assure you that.” We sat there drinking our coffee in the coffee shop and were just quiet contemplating life.

I did find a apartment in the basement, everyone knows how much I like basements. It was small and cold. it seemed like I just could not keep warm enough in that basement suit. There was only a shower and at times I craved to have a bath. It worked out well as I had a room mate that lived with me and we had a lot of fun. She was going to school to become a hairdresser. It worked out well as I loved to have my hair washed and played with which gave her a lot of practice. The only thing I did not let her do was cut my hair.

We did a lot of partying together, I knew this was taking me down a winding road of destruction. I was drinking to have fun and that is a bad idea. This way you equate having fun with drinking, I did not like drinking to the point of getting sick but it seemed I just could not help myself. This one time I was so drunk I could not walk, and they had to kick me out of the bar. Who does Tyra call but the the person she could trust, her ex-boyfriend. He was so understanding, he took me home and listened to me cry. I still do not know what I was crying about but it must have been bad cause I could not stop. That feeling that you are going to vomit was hitting me and I stayed by the toilet as I got sick several times during the time he was visiting me. He proved to me again that I could trust him, he didn’t try to take advantage of me during that time, he just listened and held me. What could I ask for?

During this time in this apartment my old boyfriend was becoming part of my life again. We would go out on dates again, going for long walks, and just talking. This was going well, and we decided to get back together and got a place together. Things were stable again, where I just focused on our relationship and life was good.

This one day he did not come home and I was wondering where he was. He just said that he was at a friends house. Then it came out that he had been spending time with another woman. That he did not love me that way anymore. The rejection was just heart breaking and I lost it. I was screaming and throwing things at him, telling him to get out. I was in such shock and pain I lost all my control. His face was that of shock, and did not expect me to lose my cool. It was the one time that I actually did not hide in my shell and just say that it was ok. I ended up just being by myself trying to figure out how I was going to survive financially and to find a full time job so I could pay my rent and live comfortably. Then the opportunity came up to go live with Dick and Val for awhile so I could get things together.

Living at Dick and Vals was good, I went back to school. It was weird going back to a school years after being there. I remember the students when they were younger and now I am in class with them. I remember this one school trip to Edmonton and I had arranged to meet up with my ex-boyfriend to talk after the educational trip. The conversation went well, he apoligized for being mean and going out with another woman. Deep down I still loved him, I wanted my life back. I knew things would not be the same as they were but I was hoping for them to be much better than they were. I spent the rest of the semester living at Dick and Vals. My boyfriend would come and visit me, we would get a hotel to spend quality time together and just be us with no one else around. We decided that I would move back to Edmonton with him when he finally found a place for us to live.

Moving back was sweet, I got my life back and we were stronger than ever. Being high school sweet hearts you really do go through some growing pains and the previous situation was one of them. We had a one bedroom apartment with no furniture. Here we were sleeping on the floor once again. After awhile we collected furniture from people around that were giving it away, it wasn’t the best furniture but we made due.

This one day I was sleeping on the bed, and he was playing a game on the computer. I woke because there was a thud on the floor. Here he was twitching and turning blue, he was having a grand mal seizure. I did the best I could helping him but I was so scared that he was hurt. In the frenzy of it I called his mom to find out what I should do, and all she said was to watch over him and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. This was not difficult until he decided to get up and run to the kitchen, he stumbled over the chair and ended up on the floor. I had to literally sit on him to make sure that he would not get up and try it again. All he could say was that he loved me, I was so happy to hear that. It took about 1/2 hour for the effects of the seizure to go away and he went to have a rest. This was the first and the last time that I ever saw him have a seizure, I was thankful for that.

Looking for a job was difficult during this time. I knew I needed to get a job and help out with the bills and living expenses. I finally found a part-time job at Woolco, working in the smoke shop. This really lifted me up that I could help out financially and that I was not just taking my boyfriend for granted. I do believe down deep that he was happy also, the only problem was that I was not at home able to do the things when he was home. We got used to the idea of me working fast, and it all became a routine for us. Then came the time that I found a full time job at another mall, this was wonderful had a good boss and enjoyed the job. After a year the store was bought by Walmart and the smoke shop was closed so I was layed off and had to think what was I going to do with the rest of my life. I looked into going back to school, but realized that I need better marks in English and math. Here I was going back to school to get ready for college. I told my boyfriend I did not want to start school until I was 24 years old but it ended up being that I went back to school when I was 23. During the winter before my 23rd birthday he made me apply to nursing school and just said that I was too smart to not do anything with my life. What a life changing statement that would be for me. The Nursing adventure begins.

Tammy:

I just could not believe it! I was accepted into the Social Work Program. The monumental Task I was to undertake started to weigh heavily on my doubting mind. I mean this was higher Education, was I up to the task? Would I fail? Bigger classes, meant more people. I was so awkward, how would I every do this!! I could not fail the man that hand picked me to be part of this program. All potential students had to sit at before a panel of Master Social Workers and participate in an interview. That panel believed in me, but the years of my conditioning could not be so easily ignored. I just could not believe in my self. I was so anxious I had actual physical pain in my chest and throat, it was awful. How was I going to endure two years of this?!

The day came and the first day of classes began. You remember that lady that was a foster parent who hired me for two days to care for her children while she cleaned her house? She sat next to me. I was like oh my God for real? How awkward! I bailed on her just after one day of babysitting, because I could not handle the responsibility, what in the world was I thinking taking up a seat in this class!!! She didn’t even recognize me, but I felt I owed her an explanation. I explained to her who I was and why I bailed on her. She laughed and said, but you did such a good job with the children, they absolutely loved you!! I was shocked, Really? I thought I was a mess. She sat beside me for the next two years, I really appreciated that.She also encouraged me through out the two years, complimenting me and telling me how smart I was. I really needed to hear the encouraging words, that were not told to me as a child. It was still very difficult for me though. I was constantly being triggered, and had to fight every step of the way not to quit.

I was struggling with Post Acute Withdraw Symptoms. PAWS for short.

Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome

AUTHORED BY Erik MacLaren, PhDEDITED BY Amanda Lautieri, B.S.

1. Table of Contents
2. What Is Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome?
3. Symptoms of PAWS
4. Common Drug Classes Associated with PAWS
5. Risk Factors for PAWS
6. What to Expect
7. PAWS: A Normal Part of Recovery

What Is Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome?

Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) refers to a constellation of symptoms experienced by some individuals who are addicted to alcohol or certain drugs after a prolonged period of withdrawal.

PAWS is also known by several similar terms, including post-withdrawal, protracted withdrawal, prolonged withdrawal syndrome, and protracted abstinence.

PAWS is separate and distinct from the acute phase of withdrawal, which typically occurs in the first two weeks after drug cessation.

Acute withdrawal has long been studied by addiction researchers and, dependent on the type of drug from which withdrawal is occurring, is characterized primarily by physical symptoms. These symptoms may include:

• Tremors.
• Seizures.
• Autonomic nervous system hyperactivity (sweating, nausea, rapid heart rate).
• Intense drug craving.

In contrast to acute withdrawal, symptoms of PAWS generally occur 2 months or more after drug cessation and are primarily psychological in nature, affecting a person’s mood, sleep patterns, and response to stress. The symptoms of PAWS generally last for several months in people recovering from addiction, though they can disappear in a matter of weeks or, in rare cases, persist for a year or more.

Symptoms of PAWS

There are a myriad of symptoms associated with PAWS. Though each of these is fairly common among people withdrawing from drugs and alcohol, the exact number, combination, and timing of specific symptoms is different for each person. Physical differences between people, as well as differences in the types of drugs used and the amount and frequency of use all affect each individual’s experience of PAWS.

Mood swings: The brain of a chronic drug user, including patients taking medications under their doctor’s supervision, has become adapted to a constant supply of a mood-altering substance. When that substance is removed, periods of mania or depression can occur for no apparent reason while the brain rebalances itself.

Anhedonia: Although they work in different ways, virtually all addictive drugs, and many medications like antidepressants, have the end result—in the short term, at least—of boosting neurotransmitters and neural pathways that make the user feel good. Otherwise, why would people take them? Once these drugs and medications are stopped, however, it can take some time for the brain to produce normal levels of these feel-good chemicals on its own again. Until it does, an individual may find that nothing seems fun or interesting anymore – even activities they used to enjoy.

Anxiety: For addicts and patients alike, cessation of a drug or medication is a major life change. Therefore, it is understandable that there can be a great deal of anxiety, and even panic attacks, that accompany this shift. Additionally, drugs such as alcohol and BZDs that chronically inhibit brain activity result in a hyperexcitable, anxiety-prone state when they are stopped.

Insomnia: Many psychoactive drugs and medications affect sleep patterns, and the brain adapts to long-term use. Once these drugs are stopped, it can take time to re-establish healthy sleep patterns.

Sleep disturbances: Subconscious desires to take alcohol or drugs, or to resume some aspect of the drug-using lifestyle, can manifest themselves in vivid, realistic dreams. Though such dreams may be very disturbing to a person in recovery, they are not a warning of impending relapse, but simply a reflection of how deeply the drug-taking compulsion can be ingrained in the mind.

Cognitive impairment: Like mood changes, this is another symptom of neurotransmitter imbalance. It is important to remember that difficulties in thinking clearly and maintaining concentration are usually temporary and not a sign of permanent brain damage.

Depression and fatigue: Many people who stop chronic drug habits or long-term medications experience such intense feelings of depression and fatigue that they fit the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Unlike these conditions, however, these symptoms are a phase of readjustment in the brain and generally diminish without treatment over time.

Drug cravings: People with PAWS often have intermittent cravings for the drug or medication that they took before. Because the most intense physical withdrawal symptoms have subsided, the individual may feel physically healthy but continue experiencing negative psychological symptoms which make the return to drug use seem appealing.

Sensitivity to stress: Many people dealing with the effects of PAWS find that their threshold for daily stress is very low. Trivial irritations or setbacks can feel like the end of the world. Considering that these individuals have given up what has been, for months or years, their primary tool for coping with life’s stresses, this difficulty is easy to understand. New life skills must be learned, and even dealing with normal emotions brought on by stress can take time.

These are some of the most common manifestations of PAWS but not an exhaustive list. One unifying theme among these symptoms is that they all impair various facets of an individual’s emotional state, or their “affect.” Another common aspect of these symptoms is that they are intermittent and may come and go over days and weeks, and they generally do not impact a person to the same extent over the entire course of their withdrawal.

You can imagine the internal war going on inside my head! I would come home on exceptionally bad days and tell Stanley I had to quit the program, he would ask my why and I would tell him because emotionally it is a nightmare for me! He would tell me not to be hasty and just give it a bit more time, he kept saying this too me every time I came home in tears wanting to quit.

I did two practicums, one was at ADAAC, and I enjoyed that very much. The other was at the Youth Assessment Center, that one I really struggled with. Especially due to the fact that they were changing over to a place were young sex offenders were placed. This was extremely difficult for me, especially due to the fact that they already had two sex offenders placed there. I really did not have trouble working with the other youth that were dealing with issues similar to mine, however I struggled greatly with working with the sex offenders. There was a child care student there who seemed to gravitate to the sex offenders, and I thought she was just creepy! She pretty much ignored all the other youth and worked solely with the sex offenders. I was the opposite I didn’t want to work with them. Especially after I heard that they had sexually molested toddlers. I was triggered beyond belief and for the first time I went home early claiming professional fatigue and stress. My Adviser, was very understanding and let me go home early. I was completely honest with him, and told him I was being triggered and I needed to go home and deal with it. How I dealt with it was to go home and read a book. Probably not the best way to deal with it, but I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t have any friends I could talk to and Stanley was still at work. Never dawned on me to talk to my Social Work coordinator, or an instructor.

There was an outburst in class, tensions were high, I am sure I was not the only one feeling stress, just for me it was more intense. The students clashed with each other and started arguing. I had it, I could not take it any more, I ran to The social Work co coordinators office bawling my head off. I told him I could not do this, I was not ready, or capable of doing this.He told me that it was never to late to have a happy childhood. I sat there and looked at him like he lost his mind. What does childhood have to do with the fact that I could not handle school. It never dawned on me until much later that many children who have been abused probably felt the exact same way I was feeling. I was very much a child, and had very child like quality’s as well as some childish ones. I do believe, he was telling me I needed to reparent my self and grow up properly. That may sound like he was being harsh, quit the contrary. Children, who are abused, become frozen or stuck at the age they were traumatized. Emotionally, I was two years old. I spoke like an adult, looked like an adult, but my emotions were stunted. A lot of my behaviours were odd, because I was reacting to situations, like a two year old who has been wounded would. This coupled with the fact that I did not have the skills available to me, that a healthy, whole adult would have made it even more apparent I was different. To further complicate matters, I had undiagnosed, complicated mental illness’.

One of the things that most bothered me about PAWS, is that when I was stressed I would feel like I was high or drunk and would actually stagger and slur my words. It was embarrassing!! It was also very frightening, what if I stayed like that?! Well It passed, thank God! I gradually stopped having those episodes, it took about a year for the symptoms to go away for me. However, some effects still remain to this day.

I was struggling, not realizing that I was suffering from Complicated PTSD, and extreme Depression, and agoraphobia I was a mess, but on the out side it appeared that I was functioning to a degree. On the inside though I was churning with constant anxiety, fear and confusion, it was awful! My classmates, actually people in general felt uncomfortable around me. Being Hyper vigilant and hypersensitive, I could read people like a book. I could feel there discomfort, annoyance, and sadly, sometimes distain. It as a very uncomfortable situation for me. I could not help internalizing feeling of unworthiness, and inadequacy. I knew, I made them uncomfortable, and they did not like the fact we all were considered peers.

I did Graduate at the top of my Class with a 3.9 GPA. that is out of 4.0, so that was very good indeed. I worked my but off for that grade. Since I didn’t have a tv or even a radio, when I got home hitting the books was what I did until it got to dark to see. Then I would switch to the gas lamp, and study till Stan got home then we would eat and go to sleep. Sometimes I would study so much that when I close my eyes I would see the words on the back of my eye lids. The fact that I even completed this program is astonishing. Not only because of my issues, but also my education. The truth is mathematically, I was probably around grade three, and english, about grade five. I am talking about spelling, mechanics, grammar, things like that. How did I manage to do what I did?

I got to make a speech at graduation, it was fantastic. My first foster parents and my Aunt El and Uncle R all came. I was so proud that they came to help me celebrate my accomplishment! They were beaming.

Thank you so much for sharing my life with me, it means the world to me!!! LOVE